Adoption Search, Birth Family Search, Reunion - Psychological Effects of Closed Adoption on Adoptee Part 2

09/30/06

Psychological Effects of Closed Adoption on Adoptee Part 2

Posted by : Karen Sterner in Adoption Search Blog at 02:11 am , 411 words, 167 views
Categories: Triad Issues, Birth Mothers, Adoptees

Although open adoption is supported by many there this is an understandably emotional issue. First off, when writing this I think in life in general for everyone whether adoption effects their lives or not there are a couple of things that we all need to keep in mind. The first is that the human spirit is incredibly resilient and the second is that every human being experiences some significant pain and/or dysfunction in his or her lifetime. As an example, life provides each of us some disappointment, not matter who we are.

I know that not all adoptees have a desire to connect with their natural parents but for me the desire was built in or natural for me to have a longing to know something about my natural parents and to want to share this longing with those I trusted. I was raised in a healthy family, where I was able to express my longings and desires. I was heard and with time understood. It is a normal reaction for adoptive parents to feel threatened and my parents did feel threatened at first at my interest in my natural family but it wasn’t so much that it got in the way. I was fortunate where my parents were able to see and feel how important searching was to me and I think that they would have the same longing if they were in my position.

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An adoptee that I have been working with was diagnosed as being clinically depressed at one point in her life. She has been searching for her natural mother for many years but to no avail. This adoptee has said to me on numerous occasions that she feels “like a piece of her soul was missing”. The bottom line is that I think that incompleteness can be the result for many, not all of a closed adoption. I also think that some experience this as depression, with the difficulty of forming a clear identity, trust problems in intimate relationships, and unresolved grief.

An analogy that I recently thought of is that of the infants who lose a parent to accidental death or dieses but continue to grow and flourish. The have a big chunk of grieving, a piece of abandonment work to do at some point later in life, but that is one of those painful things in life that we all must face sooner or later. The same is true with closed adoption.

9 comments

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Comment from: MamaS [Member]

There is a third option. Don't ever tell the child that he/she is adopted.
It would be interesting (but probably impossible) to study the mental health of children who grow up not knowing they are adopted. Thus, they don't "yearn" for their "real" parents, they don't feel "embarrassed" when they are assigned a family tree as schoolwork, they don't have "gotcha" days just regular birthdays and when teenagers they can never use "you aren't my REAL parents" as an excuse for defiance and misbehavior. We all know there are children whose parents chose this option, but no one knows exactly who they are... because they are not different.

Permalink 09/30/06 @ 08:50

Comment from: Jan Baker [Member]

· http://birthfamily-search.adoptionblogs.com/

I happen to know a few people who were not told - and found out later. The term is LDA (Late Discovery Adoptees). Not telling a child that they were adopted is NOT a good option. They may still feel that "something" is not quite right or missing - they just do not know what it is. It is very confusing for them.

When they finally find out, as they nearly always do, they feel betrayed and lied to. However, they may feel a small sense of relief as well - they now know why something felt "not quite right". Adopted children are still "different" whether we tell them or not - they often may feel that way. Not always, but....

Permalink 09/30/06 @ 09:24

Comment from: Karen Sterner [Member]

· http://birthfamily-search.adoptionblogs.com/

Jan, you are SO right. By not telling a child that he or she is adopted is also not being open and honest. There have been enough secrecy in adoption. It is truth and honesty that will prevail. Keeping secrets is like playing dominos. One secret and lie leads to another and another and the reaction keeps going on and all.

So, yes, there is another option and the option of not telling the child at all is not necessarily in the best interst of the child or those involved.

Permalink 09/30/06 @ 12:12

Comment from: pennylane [Member]

We all know there are children whose parents chose this option, but no one knows exactly who they are... because they are not different.

Mama S.

I can't imagine anything more unethical than to lie about something so important to an adopted person.

I've known several adoptees who found out after their adopter's death and they felt profoundly betrayed and filled with either pity or rage at the people they thought they could trust.

Permalink 10/01/06 @ 08:52

Comment from: pennylane [Member]

Karen, since you erased all the comments regarding your incorrect assessment of the Joe Soll/BJ Lifton incident and are no longer allowing posts on that thread, I thought I'd add this very relevent update to your blog. You accused Soll of censorship and quoted Marley.

However, she is now admitting on her blog that that these groups are NOT the horrible anti-adoptionists that you say they are and she has respect for them. I've quoted her below. I think it's crucial that adoption reform activists behave ethically and not publicly berate other organizations. Otherwise, next time they ask for support for something like an Open Access Bill, they're not going to get it from the groups they've maligned. JMHO.

Also, how is erasing someone's posts who merely defended the individual accused of censorship like you did mine, any different than what you accused Joe Soll of doing? Why do you think it's ok to censor me here? Marley doesn't do that on her blog.
Penny

Marley replies:
I have made no diatribe against Joe or others. I made no angry remarks nor did I call anybody names--which would be the hallmark of a "diatribe."

I stated in the original blog that I like much of what Origins does and that I have friends in Origins. I didn't mention it then, but I will now, that Bastardette links to OSUA as one of the "good guys" because I think it is. I may not agree with everything OUSA doe but neither do I agree with everything AAC, CUB or even BN does as policy.

I don't know Joe. Obviously, I disagree with him in some places. I generally do not believe in therapy for anything, just not adoption issues. That is well known in AdoptionLand. But Joe is also one of the pioneers who should never be forgotten either, and I respect him for what he's done. And Joe has perservered, while many have dropped out. That he is still with us says much.

Permalink 10/01/06 @ 13:48

Comment from: Karen Sterner [Member]

· http://birthfamily-search.adoptionblogs.com/

Yes, Marley has written another blog regarding the happenings with BJ Lifton and the Shedding the Light Conference hosts that was held last month. For those who are interested can read the entire blog at http://bastardette.blogspot.com/2006_09_01_bastardette_archive.html. She had much more to say than the wonderful comment posted above or the quote that I have included in my comment.

Marley wrote "The real issue, though, isn’t the word “birthmother” or any other word somebody does or doesn’t like. The real issue is the ability of individuals to self-identify and self-define--to use language with which they are comfortable without being bullied or kicked out of the clubhouse."

The bottom line is that not everyone is always going to agree on a specific subject or situation whether it be adoption related or not. Groups and individuals are always going to be divided. I strongly believe it is okay to disagree but I do NOT disagree with threatening and bulling tactics to sway anothers opinion's and feelings to achieve common ground.

Permalink 10/01/06 @ 18:02

Comment from: Karen Sterner [Member]

· http://birthfamily-search.adoptionblogs.com/

Penny, you are so right. These late discovery adoptees that learn of their adoption after their adoptive parents has passed on can cause lots of anger as well as feelings of being betrayed, and resentment.

IMHO these adoptees are grieving. They are grieving for the loss of they are not who they thought they werre. It is all part of the healing process to go through these feelings as well as many others that aren't mentioned in this comment.

Seeking support from friends, family, an adoption support group, or a therapist experienced with adoption issues can be quiet helpful in working through these issues.

Permalink 10/01/06 @ 18:10

Comment from: pennylane [Member]

I strongly believe it is okay to disagree but I do NOT disagree with threatening and bulling tactics to sway anothers opinion's and feelings to achieve common ground.

you do NOT disagee with threatening and bulling tactics? That doesn't make much sense Karen. i think your Freudian slip is showing. Wouldn't deleting someone's comments in response to a situation that they really didn't know anything about be considered bullying? some might even call it censoring.

A couple of us are having difficulty understanding why you devoted so much time and space on your blog repeating a story third hand (even Marley admits she heard it second hand)about an activist who is widely respected for his work? And instead of just reporting the story, you go off on a tangent about how these people are anti-adoption so therefore they're not worthwhile. And then you went so far as to delete posts in defense of him.!

It just doesn't add up that a person such as you who professes to be a relationship and reunion expert and is out giving the adoption community advice; would want to appear biased or worse yet, mean spirited. What's your beef with Joe?

Permalink 10/01/06 @ 19:36

Comment from: pennylane [Member]

Karen, This just in. This is what marley says now about Joe. It might behoove you to go back and reconsider the importance of not burning all your bridges.

Marley says:
Whatever ill feelings I may have had toward Joe when I wrote that, ended a long time ago. My favorite Joe Moment was when he drove Bill off the Brian Williams Show, shouting "Tell the truth, Bill! Tell the truth!" One of the great moments in adoption history.

Permalink 10/01/06 @ 21:22

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