I strongly believe that a successful reunion is based on four preparation steps before contact is made. These steps apply to all triad members who are searching.

The first one is: Give up “The Fantasy”. Let go of the image you have of the person you are searching for. No one can live in a fantasy world especially someone who is riding the reunion rollercoaster. The person searching should be ready to accept the person they find because of who they are. The reality is that they are probably not who you fantasized about.

The second thing is: Decide not to let the disappointment of un-met expectations spoil or ruin the new relationship with the person you are ready to contact. For many of us this is probably easier said than done. It is important to not let feelings of rejection come between the two of you. An important key is communication. If one of you needs space to process what is happening, ask for it or give it. Try not to take it personally and don’t assume the worst— that it is over and they don’t want you in their life. Just because someone doesn’t provide the love you need doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they’ve got.

The third thing you can do during the preparation stage is to read. There are many excellent books on adoption, search, and reunion that can help you to prepare for what can be expected. Although no two reunions are exactly the same, many, if not all, of the feelings and issues are the same.

The final thing to keep in mind is that people can be at very different stages at the beginning of contact. The reappearance of one another into each other’s lives will be a major disruption that will stir up memories for the birth mother. The person who has been searched for is often quite shocked and may need time for the news to settle in. The person who has initiated the search may need to remember that they had their entire search to prepare. They need to be patient. Each of you will be instantly thrown into the past, reliving many feelings that may not have ever been dealt with. The person you will be contacting has not had any time to prepare emotionally, mentally, or spiritually for this life altering contact. The ball is now in the “searched for” person’s court and that person may need time to sort through a number of feelings and issues associated with being contacted.