A discussion recently at the CubAll List set me to thinking about what adoptees want from their birth parents at reunion. I am referring specifically to tangible inheritances, acknowledgements in family obituaries and Grandma’s China. What one adoptee might want or need could be radically different from another. I found that out myself from my own personal experiences with my son.

The cub-all list provides a gathering place for all of us to connect with one another. To vent our frustrations, to share our joys and disappointments, to alert each other to media and legislative happenings, all in a mutually respectful community where others share an adoption experience.

One adoptee mentioned that she felt slighted that when one of her grandparents from her birth family died, she was not included in the count of grandchildren. That comment reminded me of how that particular situation was handled in my own family. My sister was in charge of the obituary article in the newspaper for my father and asked me if I wanted Chris included in the count of grandchildren. I told her that I definitely did want him included although my father never knew he existed.

When we were discussing this issue, I asked my sister if she was concerned what my black sheep of a brother might say if her noticed that there was one more grandchild in the count.(My brother does not know about Chris – we haven’t spoken in several years.) My sister had a ready answer. She said that if he asked that she would just tell him, “Oh, you know how bad I am with numbers.”

As for wills and inheritances, I think most adoptees probably may not expect to be included, especially if there are other children raised by their birth parents. When I asked Chris for his social security number to add him as a beneficiary, he told me that he did not expect anything from me. I told him that I knew that he did not, but wanted to include him. Of course, I hastily added that he shouldn’t hold his breath, because my husband and I would likely end up spending what we had.

However, it was important to me that I included all my children in my will. A few years ago, I decided to create a special box for each of my children and grandchildren. I bought some plastic storage containers, and labeled them with each name. Each box has favorite photos of that child or grandchild, pictures that they drew for me – all sentimental items. Chris is included in this venture.