Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance.
Unknown.

The photo accompanying this post looks serene and like a peaceful relaxing spot. Right now, it reflects how I feel after five years of reunion. I mostly feel at peace with the relationship with my son. Some days I wish for more, but I try to concentrate on appreciating what I do have.

As for the fact of his adoption, I am resigned to the fact that I cannot turn back time. I do not accept that it should have happened, and doubt that I ever will. However, I do not believe that I need to sanction, and/or say that it should have occurred to achieve resolution over the event.

Learn to get in touch with silence within yourself, and know that everything in this life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

This quote is not one that I can entirely embrace. To consider that losing my son to adoption is a blessing in any way is impossible for me. I do believe that there are mistakes and coincedences in life. However, I do believe that we learn from adversity, and I certainly have learned and become stronger through the loss of my son.

People sometimes tell people in reunion that they are happy for you that "things worked out." Reunion is a powerful and magical experience, yet it is not a storybook happy "everything works out" kind of ending. I feel fortunate to be reunited with my son, and I would not trade the experience for anything.

However, as much resolution and healing as I have achieved, I cannot acknowledge that "things worked out." There is a presumption that his adoption should have happened and was meant to occur. I refuse to endorse that theory - ever.

Any peace, joy and healing that I have achieved in life has come about in spite of losing my son, not because I "did the right thing." Some birth moms may need to believe that adoption was the right decision for their own peace of mind. In some instances, it actually is better for a child. I need to own my role in my son's loss.

The past is gone - I cannot relive it. I can have a relationship with my son and a good one. But it can never be what it would have been had I raised him. Sometimes that saddens me and probably always will. I can dance and enjoy my life though - and I do.