When I went to visit my son the first time, he told me ahead of time that he had decided to introduce me as "Jan". He explained that he thought "birth mother" sounded too clinical and cold. Then, he quickly went on to say that even though he planned to introduce me as "Jan", everyone would know who I was. As long as people knew who I was, I was okay with his calling me whatever he wanted.

Had he wanted to introduce me as "a friend", however, it would have hurt me deeply and been very disturbing to me. I would have felt as though he was trying to hide who I was. There is a lot of hiding still in reunion, and some of it involves not accurately identifying birth family members. Birth mothers may take on the role of a friend somewhat, but, they are not just friends.

A few adoptees and birth mothers have told me that they have been introduced as "friends", and that it has been painful for them. Somehow, that seems disrespectful and dishonest to me to require a family member to not be acknowledged. After living with lies and secrecy for so many years, I have a very low tolerance now for deceptions and mistruths.

An aspect of names in adoption that I find fascinating is the synchronicity that shows up at times in names in adoption. I know at least a few adoptees who found siblings at reunion with the same first name. Might not sound too unusual except for the fact that the adoptee’s first name was chosen by adoptive parents, not the birth parents.

At times, the names that adoptive parents have chosen for their children are similar or the same as those the birth parents had chosen. The first name that my son's adoptive parents chose for my son was very similar to one that I had considered for him.

Bottom line with the names and labels that we use at reunion? Be respectful and communicate with the other party about what they prefer. Compromise if necessary.