Confidentiality, it has been said, is to protect birth parents from later intrusion into their lives by the child and to let them put the past behind them and move on with their lives. This confidentiality for adoptive parents gives them peace of mind that the birth mother won’t intrude into their lives and let them put the past behind them and to move on.

Karen, my blogging buddy, brought up the subject of confidentiality in adoption. The quote above was in one of her latest blogs. Therefore, I thought I would share my take on confidentiality with you.

She is right that confidentiality has been said to protect birth parents. That idea is one that the proponents of closed records often mention. However, I have a real problem with that whole concept. First, all of the birth parents I know love and long for contact with their relinquished children. They would never consider their children an “intrusion” in their lives. Closed adoptions mandated no contact,, however, it was rarely, if ever, a choice that many birth parents embraced. Think about it, if you had a choice, would you choose to never see your own child again? Second, putting one's child in the past and pretending that the child never existed generally does not work too well for most birth parents. No matter how hard one might try, thoughts of that child will always remain. How could they not? Therefore, the theory that burying and denying your child's existence will make it more possible for one to "go on with their live" is also a faulty proposition in my opinion.

I believe that confidentiality has always been more for the benefit of adoptive parents and for the convenience of the agencies. Closed adoptions and closed records are much simpler and neater for agencies. However, the current trend towards open adoptions serves as proof that few birth parents would actually choose never to be in touch with their children.

Originally, there were other reasons for confidentiality – the stigma of unwed motherhood, etc., however, I believe that those concerns are no longer valid.

Some adoptive parents crave confidentiality because they fear birth parents. Those rare instances of birth parents reclaiming their children have frightened some them. They are afraid if they allow contact, the birth parents may try to reclaim the children. However, those headline cases are not frequent enough to warrant no contact.

Other adoptive parents are fearful that if birth parents are in their lives, their presence will "confuse" the children. Adoptive parents worry that having contact with birth family will make "their" family seem less normal. Karen is right too that sometimes confidentiality gives adoptive parents some peace of mind. At what price to their children though I wonder?

There are many reasons why confidentiality and closed adoptions still occur, but, I believe that most of the reasons are unfounded, unjust and not in the best interest of our children.