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So, if you are a birth parent and you decided to search, I think it is important to have a goal. That goal being truth. I can’t express enough that the truth is so important. Whether you are an adoptee or a birth parent, I strongly believe that if you decided to search you are deciding to face whatever you might find, even if it is the death of your child or birth parent.
I don’t mean to sound cold or make light of the above comment. Finding a grave is an emotional experience that one just can’t put into words. I lived it. I found a grave, and it kicked me for loop for a long long time. The thing is that I never thought that was a possibility. When I was searching I was 21-23 years old. My birth mother would have only been 50-52 years old. Maybe part of it was my age, but it was inconceivable to me that someone that young would or could get terminally ill and die or die suddenly whether it be a car accident, hit by a car, or whatever other freak accidents happen.
Now, grant you that I found a grave 13 years ago (I can’t believe it has been that long!) and I am in a totally different place than I was 13 years ago. I am 13 years older, I have done 13 years of healing, and growing, and I see things differently. Life experiences have taught me and sadly through the loss of a few young folks in my life, I have learned that death can happen to anyone at any time. The one thing that I can say is that finding a grave help me set aside my fantasies about my birth mothers family and accept the current life situation as it was, is and will be. It has helped me to move on with a more positive attitude. I guess, what I absolutely hate to see or hear is those who search, find, and are thrown for a loop because they didn’t prepare themselves or educate themselves about adoption issues, search, and reunion.
If the birth parents reading do find you child and have a reunion, it will be rewarding to be able to know the answers to your most pressing questions. In addition, your child will have the opportunity to know why you relinquished him or her to adoption. You will know how the chld turned out but it is also important to remember that being reunited doesn’t solve everything. There is a lot of emotional work that you will have to go through to be able to grow and heal so that you can gain your self esteem back, erase the guilt, and make up for the time you didn’t spend together. These things will not happen over night. All this stuff will need your attention in addition to your husband, children, jobs, housework, laundry, and finding a way to combine all that with your child and that relationship with your other family members can be very tricky.
If the birth parents reading decided not to search….well, you know what? That is okay! My discussion of birth parents searching is only one way that some birth parents have dealt with their feelings.
