Adoption Search, Birth Family Search, Reunion

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Adoption Search Blog

02/21/07

Meeting the Other Parents

Posted by : Jan Baker in Adoption Search Blog at 11:08 am , 403 words, 153 views
Categories: Meeting the Adoptive Parents

Adoptive and birth parents do not always meet even when a reunion occurs. However, it can be beneficial for both sets of parents to meet each other. Sometimes adoptive and birth parents from closed adoptions meet and form a warm relationship. It seems that is not the usual outcome. Although I do know of a few instances in which that is the case, it is more likely that both sets of parents do not meet or they meet yet there is a great deal of tension between them and relations are strained.

There are a variety of reasons why the adoptive and birth parents of a child may not become friendly towards each other. While I do not believe that it is necessary for them to become friends, to be cordial and civil to each other may be necessary if there are grandchildren in the picture.

About a month ago I received an email from a very anxious birth mom who was about to meet the adoptive parents at her son's insistence. She was quite reluctant to meet her son's adoptive parents, yet she felt that since the occasion was a religious ceremony for a grandchild she wanted to be there. One of the most difficult factors for her was that she knew that the adoptive mom had been abusive to her son as a child.

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Most birth mothers do not have this issue to deal with. It does complicate the situation. When an adoption begins as an open adoption, but is shut by the adoptive parents is another instance that will make becoming friends difficult. However, particularly in closed adoptions, there is often no reason why both sets of parents cannot become friendly.

The chief advantage of both sets of parents at least being cordial to one another is that it may take the child (adult or not)out of the middle. The balancing act with two sets of parents is often trying for adoptees. Trying to keep everyone happy and not offend anyone can be a great deal of work.

Parents can become a issue if they are always requiring that the adoptee choose between them. For an adoptee to not need to worry about both sets of parents getting along can be a huge relief. Although it may not be easy, for the adoptee's sake, and everyone's, it is best if there can be peace among both sets of parents.

3 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: John [Member]

Jan,well done. I suspect most adoptive parents fear the same very wrong and unfair situations that I do.

One, some judge comes along after years with the child and hands the child back to the birthparents (the TN case).

Two, after raising your son to adulthood, and all the problems and worries that go with it, a birthparent appears and either the child or the birthparent thinks that this is now an equal relationship. Jan, one parent paid the dues, the other did not, at least not nearly the same amount. Of course the adoptive parents are going to resent mightily this 'equal rights' idea. No this mother's day isn;t for adoptive mom and next year for birthmom. That will do great damage to the child's relationship with his adoptive family, it is just plain disloyal to the family that raised him.

I think the way to avoid this would be some communication from the birthparent to the adoptive parent, 'you are in charge and the primary parents, and I respect that'. The other part is that the adoptive parent needs to explain to the child why an equal arrangement would be hurtful to the adoptive parents before the child reaches searching age.

Permalink 02/21/07 @ 18:41

Comment from: Jan Baker [Member]

· http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/

Thanks John, I appreciate your comments. Most of the birth parents that I know do not expect equal rights or to be considered the primary parent. When they do, it can create problems.

I suppose it depends on the age that a reunion occurs as to who is in charge. When the adoptee is an adult, they need to be in charge, not the parents.

When a child is not of age, it is a different situation. John, you brought up a good point - adoptive parents can talk about some of these issues before a reunion with their child. Getting the possible problems out in the open can help.

I have never spent a Mothers' Day with my son - and probably never will.

In the TN case, the parents were foster parents, a whole different story. The parents of the child never intended for an adoption to occur and fought for years to get their child back. For a child to go back to birth parents is so rare.

Permalink 02/21/07 @ 19:58

Comment from: John [Member]

Jan, you are right about the age of the child at reunion, and who is in charge. There will still be considerable damage though, to the relationship of the child and his adoptive parents, if the parents feel dumped or pushed aside no matter what the child's age.

You are also right about the TN case. They are foster parents, but the parent's rights were terminated by the court, and they had the right to apply to adopt. That feels for all the world like fos-adopt. Yes it is rare to see a child go back after so much time. It is the worst fear of adoptive parents.

With older child adoptions, the parents usually have the opposite problem, to get the child to consider searching. It sure seems like a search and reunion would be a blessing if the child could resolve some of his anger with his birth parents where abuse or abandonment had occured.

Permalink 02/21/07 @ 21:25

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