Many of you probably can imagine some of the ideas I used to hold about adoption. A few of you probably still fervently believe some of the same things that I used to believe. You know - stuff like birth mothers forgetting and moving on with their lives - not holding their babies because it would make it harder for them later -ideas along those lines.

Domestic newborn adoption is the area that I feel needs the most reform, so, I focus on that area of adoption most often. Many of the "old" ideas still abound in newborn adoptions. My views on both pre-birth matching and adoptive parents in the delivery room have changed considerably. As I have learned more about the nature of coercion in adoption and bonding, my opinions have evolved.

It used to make some sense to me for adoptive parents to match with a pregnant women before birth. However, I did not understand the potential for her to feel indebted to them if they developed a relationship before the birth. The same holds true for adoptive parents' presence in the delivery room or at the hospital.

Until I read and heard learned experts like Marlou Russell discuss why a woman "needed to say hello before goodbye", I was not certain that I felt it healthy for a relinquishing mother to spend time with her baby.

Another factor that caused my change of heart was hearing from women who did not spend much, if any, time with their babies after birth, and wished that they had later. Few women who did spend time with their babies shortly after their births regretted that decision. Many women were afraid to or were not allowed to spend time with their babies. It was believed that it would be harder for them to relinquish if they did.

Some experts are also convinced now that it is better for a baby to have time with its first mother, even if there is to be an adoption. Nancy Verrier, an adoptive mom herself, is one expert who believes babies who have some time with their first mothers fare better than those who do not. She believes that babies can bond better with adoptive parents if they have first bonded with their birth mothers.

I am guilty - I really am - I used to believe alot about adoption that I now believe is totally false. Adoption is a multi-faceted and complicated subject, and there is little hard data to guide us. We listen, learn and let our hearts and minds direct us, and hope for the best.