At various times when I have been helping an adoptee search for his or her natural mother. The person who we believe is the natural mother has been located and often times I am asked to make the initial phone call.

Every time I am asked this my initial or first thought is to say no but in a majority of the cases I have communicated enough with the adoptee to know that they are just incredibly nervous.

So, what I have done for these circumstances is created a way for me to show how these phone conversations are handled. The idea is to find the person you want to talk to and not reveal anything to a third party. This is between you and the natural parent you want to reach. It is my opnion that it is not good to talk to a third party and have them break the news. Here are some examples.

If you are talking to a realative of the person you are trying to call you may want to say something like “Hello, my name is xxxxx, I am working on genealogy on the name of xxxxxx. Do you know xxxxx of xxxxxx (city, state), ate xx?” This is where you pause and wait to see what they say. If they say they don’t know that person say thank you and that is it No explanations ever.

If they say, oh yes, that is my sister in law, what is this all about You want to respond by saying something like “I would like to speak to them or you could say “she is a friend of my mothers and I was having a party and I wanted to invite her.” See if hey give you the phone number. If not, just say “oh would you please give her my number to call me?”

New information might be revealed to you so have a pen and paper ready in case something like her married name is or where she lives is revealed to you. You may be able to locate the natural mother down that way.


If you don’t have the phone number of the person you are trying to reach you may want to say something like “Hi my name is xxxx. I am looking for xxxxxx?” Do not say what your call is about just indicate that you wish to speak to xxxx.

If it turns out to be the person you think you were trying to call, then ask certain questions, such as Is this a good time to talk?, Is this xxxxxx, of city, state, born in Month, day, 19xx. If they say yes, then ask them, (if it differs from where you were born, ) Did you live in xxxxxx, (city, st.) 19xx.? pause and see what they say. If they say yes, (by now they might say" what is this all about" simply say " I think we maybe related. Does xx/xx/xx mean anything to you?” Give them a chance to process what you are asking them so you want to pause a little after the questions, so they can speak if they want to share information. Remember to always take notes.

It may help you to write this script down, as well as write down what exactly the questions are,in the right order that you want to ask. As they say yes, to more identifying info, you can be more sure you have the right person. I also suggest that you practice the script so it flows a bit, and then make the call.