When the search is completed, you will be faced with the conflicting question of how to make contact with the person you have been searching for. You have all the information and you are pretty sure this is the person you are searching for. Making first contact can be one of the scariest things you will ever do in your life.

The choice you decide on for making first contact is a personal decision and you have to do what feels right for you. Unfortunately, there is no life manual with a chapter in contacting birth family to ensure you are successful. There is no right or wrong and you may even receive conflicting advice.

There are a few difference avenues you can take. The first is via phone. There are a few common things you should keep in mind if this is the route your choose.

1) Have a strong support system set up for you regardless of what happens with the call.
2) Try to place the call at a time that you will not have any interruptions or distractions and sit in a place that is comfortable for you.
3) Write down the questions your want to ask. Try not to make it like a script, otherwise you make be mistaken for a telemarketer. Also, you may not get to ask all the questions but have them there in case there is down time in the conversation. You will be able to refer to them to help keep your questions in line and on target.
4) Also, have the documentation pertaining to your search available when placing the call.
5) Have a pen and paper in order to take notes of the information being provided.
6) Confirm you are speaking with the correct person and provide them with your name and phone # first in the event you get disconnected.
7) The second thing you want to ask is if it is a good time to talk about a personal matter. If the answer is no, ask when a good time would be to call back.
8) One approach to take is offering your date of birth and birth place means anything to them. If they don’t answer right away, it may be because they don’t remember the dates. If this delicate approach doesn’t work, you will need to be more direct.
The person you are contacting has not had the time to prepare for this as you did during your search. If they hang up or say they don’t want contact, you have given them your phone number, name, and a chance to change their minds. If this happens, it will feel like you are being rejected. However, it is not a rejection of you, but a rejection of the idea of revisiting the past. They really don’t know you so how can they reject you?

If they cut you off mid sentence, I suggest to calling right back. I know that is hard but I would wait some time. They have your name and number and the ball is in their court, however, I would wait some time (a few days) and try calling a second time.

If they do not hang up, listen carefully and play it by ear. Again, the person being contacted needs time to digest the news they just learned. It may take some time before the two of you set a date to meet, or you could be asked to come the same or next day. Just remember that anything can happen.