I have talked about the loss in adoption. The natural parents lose their child, the adoptee loses their biological connection and the adoptive parents lose of hope of a biological child. I truly believe it is important to acknowledge and validate these loses in adoption and go through the grief process.

Some triad members deny that they have experienced a loss. I use the analogy of a drug or alcohol addicted person. In the drug addict or the alcoholic, they don’t see that they have a problem. There are triad members that do say that being adopted is not an issue for them. I think that those that state this truly feel this way because it protects them from painful feelings. It isn’t until into their search or after reunion that they may realize how much adoption has affected their lives.
One of the ways that I healed from my adoption experience was to tell my story. I told it over and over again at support group meetings, adoption conferences, to friends, family, and wrote about it.
I don’t believe that every adoptee or natural mother will initiate a search. The desire to search is something that is internal and very personal. The natural curiosity to want to know may be their but there will be some that actively search while others wait to be found.

There have been many of times that I have attempted to search for my natural father. Each time has been unsuccessful and at one point came to a point of realizing that it will be impossible with out a name or any non identifying information. I know he exists and can speculate but and have done that but it isn’t enough. My point to this is that even though I have accepted that I won’t find him there are still times in my life that I think about it and on some level hope that if he knows about me he will search and find me. The times that this has been prevalent in my life has been times like when we got married, pregnancy, or dealing with my adoptive parents getting older, more fragile, and dealing with their facing old age and knowing that one day they will pass on.
When searching it is important to prepare yourself for what you may find and try to think through what your expectations are. You may have fantasies about who the other person is. You may have thought about the best and worst case scenarios.

It is also important to realize that you as the searcher are going to be more prepared for contact then the person being found. So, if the initial response is rejection, once the person has the time to process and think about what is happening often times they change their mind.
As we have said before, the search process is an emotional rollercoaster. You are going to have many ups and downs. This is what will help you to use your intuition. You may experience fear, or feel as you shouldn’t be searching. You may feel angry and wonder why are you being blocked from the person you are searching form. You may experience setbacks or brick walls but remember that there is always hope.

Searching can be emotionally draining and take on a life of its own. You may find that family members don’t understand how you feel and may feel left out. Adoptive parents may be or may not be involved in your search if you are an adoptee. If they are, it can be healing for everyone.
Some adoptive parents feel that search and reunion is a threat. It may bring up loss issues, questions about their parenting, and fears that their children may leave them. The reality is that reunion can strengthen the relationship. Like in my case, reunion with my sister, helped me to appreciate my upbringing more because I was able to see how my life would have been if I was raised by my natural mother.