In the closed adoption era, I think that the one life event for adoptees that has no age requirements or timing requirements is when an adoptee finds out he or she is adopted. When this happens, we adoptees suddenly find out that everything we have been told about ourselves is not true and sets up insecurity and a need to find out where we came from. There are times that I think many adoptees, including myself, think or thought that a search may be able to replace the quicksand the past suddenly became For that reason, a search can occur at any age.

I have helped many triad members find their birth families and it is always the same. No matter the age of the adoptee or sex, race, background, whatever, they (including myself) initiate the search process with out realizing how much adoption has affected their life.

I was 11 years old when I found out I was adopted. I overheard it at my grandma’s funeral. For weeks, even months later, it was impossible to imagine that what I heard was about me. I tried to convince myself that what I had heard from these two adults was about someone else. There is no way it could have been me. It took me almost two months to work up the courage to ask my mom and dad if what I had heard was true.

Once I had my answer, I felt as if everything had been a lie. I felt for a long time that I couldn’t trust my parents. We fought terribly and looking back on it I truly dealt them a handful. I constantly challenged them and if they said black I said white. If they said white I said black.

When I initiated my search, I was convinced that my parents weren’t telling me the truth. I was convinced that they knew more than they were saying. I had no proof of that it was simply how I felt.

The beset thing that my parents could have done was open and honest with me from the beginning. I have to give them a lot of credit for being open and honest with me from that day that I asked them if I was adopted forward. I of course didn’t realize this until many years later when my search was completed and I had all of the puzzle pieces fit together. It is for that reason that we have a close relationship today. They have treated me with nothing but love and respect and I have the same feelings. I am very grateful that they made the decisions that they made in my growing up years as hiding the truth could have potentially back fired and damaged our relationship.