I walk a tightrope when I discuss birth mothers with adoptive parents.

Some birth moms are understandably bitter and anger. Expressing that anger in appropriate ways is healthy, however, being overly hostile when dealing with other triad members is counter productive. People tune out if there is too much anger. In addition, they may sometimes dismiss someone that they believe is too unstable.

When I talk about birth mothers in general, I want to present as balanced a picture as possible. Most of the birth moms I know have suffered grievously from the loss of the children. That is a fact that people need to know.

However, I do not want to present birth moms as dysfunctional, bitter women who are all unstable misfits. I know many birth moms who are understandably angry at some of the treatment that they received. Even so, they are stable, productive, loving and caring women. Many have other children and have responsible careers and/or jobs.

When I write with adoptees in mind, I want them to know that I care and that I understand that they have a right to their feelings. Some adoptees are very angry, and quite frankly, I believe that they have every right to feel as they do. Although I talk about how I believe they feel about various adoption issues, I cannot pretend to know exactly how they all adoptees feel. Just like birth moms, adoptees are individuals with varying opinions. Mainly, I share what I have learned about how I believe adoptees feel about their adoption issues from the many adoptees that I know personally. I particularly walk the tightrope when addressing adoptees. It is important to me that they understand that I respect their individuality and differing opinions about adoption.

When I talk about changes that I believe need to occur in adoption. Perhaps that is where I believe I "walk the tightrope" the most. Some adoptive parents particularly seem very uncomfortable when it is suggested that the institution of adoption in the U.S. needs some major changes. They seem to feel as though I am personally attacking them, but, I am definitely not.