Until my reunion, not only had I had never met another birth mother, but as far as I know, I had not met a birth father. Since there is a stigma to relinquishing a child to adoption, some birth parents rarely, if ever, acknowledge that they may have relinquished a child to adoption. Therefore, it is hard to know how many birth parents one might meet in a lifetime.

When adoptees search, they generally look for their birth mothers first. However, many are interested eventually in knowing about their birth fathers as well. Sometimes birth mothers may be reluctant to provide information about the birth father to their child. In some cases, they may discourage contacting the birth father. A number of factors may be contributing factors:

 Sometimes the birth mother may have had only a brief relationship with the birth father. She might be ashamed of that fact.

 The birth mom feels that the birth dad is not a decent person and she does not want to reveal his name because she thinks that he is not a “nice” guy.

 Another reason for being hesitant to name the birth father is that she may harbor some ill feelings for him. I have met many birth moms who felt that that the birth father did not handle their pregnancies well. She might feel that the birth fathers contributed to the loss of her child to adoption. There are many reasons birth moms might have some lingering bad feelings for their children’s birth fathers.

 For children relinquished to adoption, affairs were sometimes part of the equation, again, a factor that a parent might not readily care to reveal.

 Rape is at times a factor in a relinquishment as well and a difficult subject for a birth mother to address.

There could be any number of reasons why a birth mother might be negative about the birth father. I believe strongly, however, that a child has the right to know both of its birth parents.

In the past few years, not only have I been in touch with my son’s birth dad, but also, I have met several other birth dads. The birth fathers that I have met are decent, stable and caring men. Despite the public perception that birth dads are often the “bad guys”, I believe that it is unfair to lump all birth dads into one broad category. Many birth dads at the time of their child’s relinquishment were quite young, just as many birth moms are, and I think that is an additional factor to take into consideration when judging them. I believe too that we should consider as well that people can and do change.

Listen to whatever your birth mom has to say, but, do not base your whole opinion of your birth father on her input. Some are very loving, decent men who regret the loss of their child and many are eager to reconnect with their children. I feel that you should give them a chance!