What are yours intentions? In the excitement and drive to satisfy a burning need with in you, it is easy to lose sight of the feelings and needs of the other person; yet it is very important that you consider the other person. Your needs and expectations may be very similar or very different than theirs. Some may see the reunion as an opportunity to establish a deep relationship, others may simply want to exchange information, find out how the other person is doing, and connect once or twice a year. Being up front with each other is very important. You may also want to remind yourself that feelings change. What is at the beginning may change later, so it is important to communicate your feelings with each other.

I know that not everyone has good intentions. Adoptees and birth parents who search do it out of love, not out of animosity. In rare cases, there may be some people who are dishonest or looking to take advantage BUT I think that the majority of the adoption triad members have only the best intentions. They may want nothing more than to just be allowed into each other’s lives. If that is hard to understand, just think about it for a minute. Did the adoptee ask to be given up? Is the adoptee responsible for their circumstances? Of course not! The adoptee had no control or power in the decision process. Many adoptees have a fear of abandonment and have felt a huge void their whole lives. Some adoptees may have control issues or have relationship fears and find it difficult to connect with people. Some come from happy homes and some come from troubled homes. Each person is different and has had different experiences in their lives. However, the similarity in adoptees is that they are all searching for something. It may be truth, medical history, and siblings; they may long to look like someone, know their religious background or they may want to have a blood relation, or to know where they came from. These are often the motivations. Not greed, money, restitution, or harm. Most triad members don’t want to hurt anyone. They want to be acknowledged and accepted for who they are. Adoptees who search feel it is not a shameful secret but rather that they are human beings and have the right to know the truth.

It is likely that, whatever you imagined the other person to be like; there will also be surprises. It is best to try and keep an open mind, remain optimistic, and be prepared to “roll with the punches” or “go with the flow”.

The person you will be reunited with is a relative but they are also a stranger. It is very important to take things one step at a time and one day at a time. There may be many things you have in common with each other and other things that are completely different. Values, religious beliefs, hobbies and other things are all part of what makes a personality. The person you are about to meet may have different opinions and values than you do. Keeping an open mind is the best way to deal with any differences in a reunion.

I also think it is important to know the roles and where one begins and ends. The other person has a separate life, has talents and ambitions, feelings, needs, and goals. However, there are common threads that bind each of you.