Some adoptive parents may discuss once and never bring the subject up again. This can leave the adoptee feeling or with the impression that it is too painful, frightening or threatening to the adoptive parents to deal with the possibility of the adoptee finding their natural parents. This can further stimulate guilt around having the need to find the woman who gave you life.

Some adoptees wait until their search is complete to discuss with their search with their adoptive parents. Another suggestion in opening the discussion is to share a letter which another adoptee had written to her parents explaining her search. This could help you to feel more comfortable confiding in your parents about your search. With the letter in hand, you can explain your search as well as your great love and appreciation to both of your adoptive parents. Again, you may find trust, love and strength from your adoptive parents. They are not going to reject you or become angry as you may fear but instead be accepting and supportive of you finally knowing an important aspect of who you are. My mom recently said to me during a conversation about others adoption search’s a statement that I will never forget. It was “Adoption is not ownership. It’s about love and relationships.” I have great respect for her to have gained that sensitivity through the years.

For me personally, fortunately my family has always been supportive of my needs concerning adoption, answering any questions I might have had, and answering to the best of their ability. I didn’t initially include them in my search until they let me know that they wanted to be a part of my search . When my search was completed, it was my mom who I called first to tell her that my natural mother was deceased. I could hear the shock, hurt, disappointment in her voice and they truly grieved for my natural mother as I did.

One thing to remember when talking with your adoptive parents about search it is important to reassure your adoptive parents that searching does not mean that you don’t love them. To make it a little easier, it may be helpful to discuss your adoption search one on one. This creates confidentiality with that friend or family member and eliminates the possibility of people ganging up on you. Doing this one on one can be an attempt to try and protect your feelings.