January 11th, 2014
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GRACELadies and gentlemen, if you plan a search, or have yet to reunite physically with birth family, do this: Wear your armor of faith and wear wisdom like a cloak. Don’t go in without these. This sort of reunion is nerve-wracking even when everyone treats you kindly. It has the potential to pierce your heart if any are hostile towards you. I can honestly say that even though I was forewarned of those who were against this reunion, I wasn’t hurt by them.  And unless they read this, which they most likely won’t, those who were against my being there never knew that I knew about their attitudes. You don’t have to let everyone know everything you know…certainly not right away, and perhaps never.


So, be ready.  In my case, those who voiced opposition aloud did so out of my range of hearing, with Vi, and my half-sister Penny forewarning me. There were also those of more reserved nature, the ‘judgmental others’ of the extended family, who shared their feelings silently upon our meeting. If this was so for me, it will likely be so for you.

I have to admit, those who had in the backs of their minds that I was seeking some sort of inheritance had to have let that thought go when they realized my adopted father was a doctor…How ironic! The financial divider that had kept me from being totally embraced by many peers in my youth was now responsible for my acceptance by the ‘hard nuts’ as an adult, only now, I didn’t care. I had found what I sought…my mother. Additional family was icing, whipped cream, and cherries on the cake, but not essential. The irony of the situation, however, should not come as a surprise…God works in exactly that way.

Pray and in this way, gather courage. You will know who the ‘naysayers’ are by their words or actions and you will need to be ready for open or silent rejection. Be kind to them while understanding their unkindness is just a part of this fallen world. You can’t avoid their arrows, but you can allow God to curve their points. If they persist, graciously wipe your feet and move on to those who are thrilled to have you back. In the end, if handled correctly, the bitter folks will either become ashamed, corrected by others, or be too stupid to know how stupid they are, in which case, we have all been taught to make allowances.

If tears or anger threaten to rise, excuse yourself and go to the bathroom to regain your composure. Remember that many eyes are upon you…Don’t let ‘em see you sweat! Grace is magnetic. Think on this and if it is determined that rejection of this sort cannot be handled, my advice would be to make different arrangements for the reunion so you and those who want to know you aren’t hurt in cross-fire.  You may make it known to and through your birth parent that you don’t want anyone there who is not in favor of the reunion. Be firm.

And one more thing…Gossip happens. You know you’ve been on the wrong end of that truth at some time in your own life. So, since it’s inevitable, give them no juicy tidbits. Treat every single one of them with kindness and respect. In the end, the naysayers will either be won over or become embarrassed when others challenge their accusations.

Perhaps this sounds as if I am telling you to have your guard up. I am. God’s Word tells us that above all things, we are to guard our hearts. In doing so, we guard the hearts of others as a bonus.  This first family reunion thing is not the time to relax. Do not study this ‘foreign family’ and try to become as they are. Be who you are and for lack of a better term, ‘self-promote’…Not via bragging…Not via pushing…Via grace. God will give you a magnetic charisma that can only come from His Spirit.  Allowing God’s grace to flow through you brings a two-fold benefit…God is glorified, and because of your association with Him, you get to wear a little halo in the eyes of others.

So, let your hair down later, allowing some of those precious imperfections to shine through…to those who love you. They will find those imperfections precious. Believe me; God’s got your back!


Current posts tell the chronological story of Cindy’s search. (Names, places changed for family privacy.) Get up to date by clicking here, then read the posts in order, beginning at the bottom of the page. It is the author’s hope that readers find encouragement, inspiration and knowledge for their own journey.


Photo Credit: Flickr

8 Responses to “How to Handle the Naysayers”

  1. yonkers68 says:

    I was born at Cross County Hospital. Yonkers NY January 19, 1968. My biological mother was 23 years old when she had me. I got a letter from the adoption agency that apparently she told them about her self. She was married and had two boys 2 1/2 and 3 1/2at the time of my birth. She had an affair with a 21 year old Guy. She was given the option by her husband to either get a divorce or give me up for adoption. She gave me up. She felt that her husband wouldn’t be able to love me like lived his boys. She had brown hair. Blue eyes and did cosmotology in or or after high school. Her sons knew nothing about me. And I am grateful that she did what she did. I had great parents both are deceased now. I would love to know if I look like her. Mainly I want and need to know medical history from the time I was born to present.

  2. Cindy Hailey says:

    Hello, ‘Yonkers68′,
    If you plan a search, please do so carefully. I hope you have faith in God, because you need that for life, but you will need it tri-fold for your search…for the sake of your heart. If you read my past posts…especially the first ones, you will understand more of why I push this. I, too, started with inklings that I would like to know my medical history…it’s so helpful to have. But in my heart of hearts, I wanted to know more than that.
    Blessings to you as you decide the direction to take!

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