In a previous post, I spoke about some of the fears that adoptive parents may face at reunion. They range from fear of losing their child to the birth family to worrying that the birth family may hurt their child in some way. Some of the fears that adoptive parents have about reunion may be reality based, others less so. Nevertheless, these fears are real and valid to those who feel them.

The fear of losing their child at reunion is not a realistic one, in my opinion. It is rare that at reunion a child decides to discontinue contact with an adoptive family. What is more often the case is that reunion brings adoptees closer to their adoptive parents. I have heard many adoptees say that for them, this has been the case. This even seems to be the case sometimes when the adoptive family is dysfunctional, and the adoptee does not have a good relationship with their adoptive parents.

I believe that if adoptive parents knew more about reunion, and how birth parents see reunion, they might be less fearful. My basic thought on the subject is that if adoptive parents have done a good job of raising their child, then they should have nothing to fear at reunion.

Besides, whatever happens at reunion is pretty much out of the control of the adoptive parents in most cases. Unless they have done a incredibly poor job of parenting, it is highly unlikely that a child will shift their affection and attention solely to their birth family. It is rare for a child to decide at reunion that they no longer have any interest in the family that raised them.

Most birth moms that I know are very respectful and considerate of adoptive parents at reunion. They encourage their children to honor the adoptive parents. Several birth moms have told me that when their adopted children at reunion called them "mom", they have corrected their children. They told their children that their "mom" is the mother who raised them (meaning the adoptive mom).

Depending on what happened in the past, some birth moms may have good reason to dislike and hold some negative feelings toward the adoptive parents. This would be particularly true if an adoption begins as an open one, and then is abruptly closed. If an adoption is closed with no notice and/or explanation, I can understand that a birth parent might retain some angry feelings for the adoptive parents.

Frankly, I believe that anger towards adoptive parents who close an adoption is justified. However, I have been amazed at how some birth moms at reunion have chosen not to hold on to angry feelings even in this situation. I do know several birth moms who have taken the high road at reunion, and tried for the sake of their child not to remain angry at the adoptive parents' past actions.

There are many reasons that birth parents might seemingly resent the adoptive parents at reunion. (The same holds true for some adoptive parents if their child was mistreated by birth parents.) I have heard a few birth parents comment about what they perceive to be errors in the parenting of their children.

However, I think most birth parents believe that they have no right to judge the adoptive parents' parenting skills. As flawed as their parenting skills may or may not be, they did take on the job of raising the child when the birth parents could not or were not allowed to parent. Most birth parents believe that adoptive parents generally have the best of intentions and do the best job they can in raising their children.

Birth parents defend the adoptive parents often to others, and on occasion to the child. Some birth moms have told me that when their child complains about some lack in the adoptive mom, they quickly brush those thoughts aside, and tell their child to respect their mothers.

At reunion, both sets of parents should respect and honor each other and make peace if possible. It is better for their child if they are able to make peace with each other. After all, isn't that who adoption is supposed to serve, the child?