I also feel it is important to be honest with the adoptive parents. A good opening line in discussing search and reunion with adoptive parents could be, “Do you remember when I asked you about my birth family? Well I’m getting more information. Do you want me to tell you what happens or would you rather not know?” Some adoptive parents may very quickly change the subject in response to this choice which gives the adoptee a very clear message that they don’t’ want to know. Although this may be a relief, it could also be a disappointment. However, the adoptee may be surprised with an unexpected interest and acceptance.

Adoptive parents may initially be shocked and hurt. It may be painful and difficult for them at first. But as in my case, my adoptive parents have found out addressing the adoption issues has brought them relief, and us closer together as a family. Most adoptees continue to love their adoptive parents even after making contact with their birth families but are much happier and more secure once they learn their history.

Loss and secrets in a family go hand in hand with guilt and pain. The secrets are a way to avoid the guilt and pain of the loss. The need to maintain the secret challenges and changes the family. The secrets inhibit trust and are destructive, but mourning the loss and acknowledging the grief honestly and openly will start a new phase of life in spite of the pain and loss.

Following reunion many triad members will become more aware of how being adopted has affected their own lives. I found my birth mother 10 years ago and now I understand that trusting other people has always been hard and I am sure this is related to the early loss of my birth mother. I have become more aware that although I love my adoptive parents very deeply, I feel a deep connection with my birth mother.
I go to bed every night and think about my birth mother. There is not a day that goes by that she isn’t in my thoughts or in my heart. Although I found my birth mother deceased and we never had a relationship, I have come to a place where I am more at peace with my adoption experience. Yet there is a piece of my heart that will always feel empty.