Holocaust Survivor Refuses Reunion is a sad story. Whenever I hear about a birth mother refusing contact, I feel deep sorrow not only for her child, but for her. I believe that refusing reunion is partially due to fear and not understanding the positive benefits of reunion.

A reunion could ignite bad memories, Gottefeld said. "It might bring back all sorts of things that in order to continue to live, and not to become too depressed, to build a life she had to put aside," she said.

There is a fundamental fact that it seems that many people do not understand about the birth mother experience. It takes some birth mothers themselves time to figure it out. First, here comes my disclaimer: I know that not all birth mothers feel exactly the same way. I am speaking about the majority of birth mothers that I know.

The fact is that trying to forget about the loss of a child to adoption does not work for most women. In fact, trying to suppress and ignore feelings is not healthy and can lead to physical ailments. The theory that never thinking about a relinquished child is a positive act is mostly false. Granted thinking about them obsessively and remaining completely stuck and unable to enjoy life is not healthy either.

Like nearly everything in life there must be a healthy balance. When a birth parent is found, I think it is nearly inevitable that even if they have spent years in denial, a great deal of feelings will surface. Believing that refusing reunion will insure that you can remain in denial probably may not work.

Not all reunions work out or are beneficial to either or both parties. I mention that fact from time to time, but do not dwell on the fact that some reunions are not successful. There is a distinct reason that I mainly choose to focus on the positive benefits of reunion, and it is not because I am trying to paint only a rosy picture of reunion.

When I discuss reunions, I deliberately focus on the positive aspects of reunion because I believe there are already enough skeptics around dismissing any possible benefits of reunion. Many adoptive parents spin adoption in a mostly positive manner because they feel that adoption has too many negative critics. That is exactly how I feel about reunion.

I choose my words very carefully when I discuss reunion as well. If you notice I generally say that reunion can be beneficial. I never say that it will heal you completely and life will be swell again, that is not what I believe.

When discussing reunion, I also mention frequently that reunion affects people differently. All reunions are not created equally and I note that often. A reunion between a child removed from a home due to abuse or neglect contains a great deal more baggage, and has less chance to succeed. In fact, if I had been abused by someone, I am not entirely certain that I would want to reconnect with them. I do not know how I might feel in that situation.

Further Reading:

The Shell Within

Antonia's Story


Photo by Jan Baker 2007