Many adoptees go into reunion not expecting the experience to be as earth-shattering as it sometimes turns out to be for them. As birth parents, there are a number of ways that we can help make the process less chaotic and less stressful for our children. Here are a few:

1) Follow the pace that is most comfortable for your adult children. Often it is said that whoever instigates a search needs to allow the "found" person to set the pace. Sometimes this does make sense as the found person has generally not had time to prepare for or process the whole reunion experience. Certainly, trying to rush or force the found person is not wise. However, I believe that the adoptee should have the greater control in reunion even if they are the searcher.

2) Answer any and all questions that our children may have for us. I mentioned this often because I feel that it is an very important point that I believe bears repeating.

3) Take responsibility for your part in your child's adoption. Many birth moms feel that they had no choice in the adoption decision. Nevertheless, I believe that they still need to tell their children that they are sorry. Not all adoptees need to hear that - some do. Say it anyway if you can.

3) Never pressure your children to choose between birth and adoptive families. Understand that holidays may present awkward situations at times. Be understanding, sensitive and willing to compromise.

4) Be consistent with your contact with your children, no matter what they do, no matter how hard it may seem at times.

5) Openly acknowledge your child, and tell anyone who needs telling about them. It is unfair to ask them to remain a secret - from anyone.

As our children are all different, so will their needs be varied as well. For nearly all our children though, at reunion we must work to build their trust in us, and help them know that we intend to stay in their lives.