When I found out that my son wanted to know me, I joyfully embraced the opportunity. I offered him my heart. It was all so confusing in those early days; I was so uncertain as to the "protocol" for reunion. At times I would read about reunion and think, "Aha, this is what he wants." Sometimes it worked, other times, I discovered my son did not necessarily want or need what some book or other adoptee might want.

However, offering him unconditional love seemed a safe bet. He could accept it, fight it, be ambivalent about whether he wanted it or not, run from it or reject me for volunteering too much, too soon. Come to think of it, he probably did all of that in varying degrees at different times. Mostly, I believe he was pleased that I care about him, and was welcoming and loving.

After so many years of denying my feelings for my son, at reunion, I needed to finally offer my love to him. Whether he chose to accept it or not was out of my control. Though there was a great deal that I did not understand in those early days, a few facts were very clear to me. It was important to me that my son knew early on how much I loved him and regretted my decision. Whether he needed that or not, I am uncertain.

Even now, nearly five years later, although I know how I feel about our reunion, I am not completely clear on how my son feels. I believe that he is comfortable where our relationship is today, and I know that I am. Our relationship will continue to grow I hope, but, for now, I enjoy where we are right now. Like most birth moms, I wish that we got together in person more often. Other than that, I enjoy the relationship that we have immensely.

Once in awhile, there are hints about how my son sees our reunion. Not too long ago, we were talking about the subject of other reunions and he mentioned ours was a "happy one" in passing. It felt good knowing that he sees our reunion as one of the happy ones. He has many adopted friends, and has mentioned how devastating the rejection from their birth moms has been for some. I believe that it has some significance to him that I love him dearly and am wholeheartedly accepting of him. I can hope that it matters.

To Be Continued.......................................