There are times when I think that I want to add a disclaimer to some of my posts. Although I know some birth moms who have been mired in the birth mother victim role for decades, I am not one of them. However, I do not judge those who have been unable to successfully heal either. I know that so many different factors affect adoption healing.

The relinquishment experience, personalities and a wide variety of other factors influence how people deal with adoption issues. One way to deal with adoption issues is to deny that they exist. Another is the "woe is me, it isn't my fault option." Some women disclaim any part in the adoption option and declare it to be "God's will." In my opinion, that negates any responsibility and/or free will.

Unlike many birth moms that I know, I did not spend decades worrying, pining or regretting the loss of my son. Instead, I did everything I could to not think of him at all. Of course, I thought of him some, but, I fought hard to not think about him a great deal. It hurt too much when I did.

Once the adoption was underway, I severed our connection in my mind as much as possible. In my mind, he was no longer "my" son, but would be someone else's child. Thankfully, I was 8 1/2 months pregnant before this happened. Up until that point, I was eagerly looking forward to the birth of my son and felt a strong bond with him.

Although I spent a short amount of time after his birth grieving, mostly I shut off my feelings and tried to pretend that he did not matter to me. Only at reunion did I finally realize how much he really did matter - and that he was my son and always had been. That sounds strange, I know.

In other words, I have not been processing his adoption for 30+ years, but for over five years. My feelings and grief were frozen in time and thawed out the instant I heard that "my son" was searching for me.

I cannot say how I will feel in another five or ten years. I do not know. However, I do know that I have healed a great deal over the past five years. My personality is a sunny, optimistic one, and that fact affects how I have accomplished as much healing as I have. Everyone is different, as are their situations. Healing and recovery rates vary a great deal.