January 25th, 2010
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967211_magnifying_glassThere are many of you out there who want to begin your search for reconnection—or at least have thought about it. It can be a scary thing to think about. It is full of unknowns and mystery. And because the reconnection journey can be so long and arduous, just the mere thought can be completely overwhelming.

For those who have already reconnected or are currently in the thick of reconnecting, you understand what others are going through. That’s one reason it is important to be a support to others in similar situation. Use your story and your experience to guide, instruct, and inform others. Some of those who are searching don’t know how to get started or how to continue. This is where you come in. Share what you’ve learned.

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Join a support group and help others understand the things you have learned during this process. You can provide some great insight for those looking for advice and help. You can also submit your story, tips, and advice right here on Adoption.com. It is a great way to reach out to others.

If you’re thinking about starting the reconnection process, you can find a lot of great information through this site. While you consider this decision, you have of things to sort through:

Do you have the resources and time necessary to complete the search?

Which resources and mediums will you be using?

Do you have a sturdy, reliable support system?

Are you interested in using a paid searcher?

Are you prepared to not experience the ideal outcome?

Are you ready to see this search through to the end?

The reconnection road can be emotionally grueling. It is important to be ready. Prepare yourself beforehand, and you’ll be well on your way to re-establishing contact. It’s ok to be scared or nervous. It’s natural. Move forward when you’re ready, and gather your loved ones around you.

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13 Responses to “Have You Established Contact? Do You Want to?”

  1. Shana says:

    Does anyone have any advice on how to start this process? I want to petition the court myself. I live in NC and can do it myself, just don’t know where to start. ANd what does “petition the court” even mean. Any advice is appreciated. Shana

    • lolalamar51 says:

      Shana,Depends on the state you were adopted. In the state of Illinois both parties have to be searching.That’s how i found my birth-mother.But in hopes my mother was hoping not only to find me but my birth-sister.The thing is that my sister was older when she was adopted.The only info i have from my birth-mother is her name,adopted name& married name & birthday.We never met.According to my mom my sister would know me.All the time i was living in Chicago with my adoptive parents, my birthmother was also living in Chicago at the time. I was raised on the Northside and she lived on the Southside.
      I can understand her remorse{birthsister}towards our mother, but not me.
      I was adopted in 1959.
      Good luck

  2. alie1105 says:

    The adoption agency I was adopted form no longer exists and I have no idea where to start the process. The only thing I know about my birth parents are their DOB, and one of them was born outside of the US.

    • heidibartelt says:

      I went through the county that I was adopted in. The child and family services dept might have an idea as to where your records are or how to find them. You would have to send them a letter of formal intent to search for you birth family and the reasons for doing so. HOpe that helps.

  3. lolalamar51 says:

    I was adopted in Illinois where birth recodrs are closed.But Illinois just passed a new law to allow adoptees to get their original birth certificates.The catch is you have be born a certian year.This comes from Pat Quinn.The limitations state that if you were born say 1936(example)Then u can obtain ur records. If you were born in the 1950′s than u have to wait til 2011.Which i feel is wrong. Illinois keeps closed records for 99 yrs.
    So i have to wait til next year. It stinks. I think tht those adoptees tht were born on or around the 1950′s or before should have access to their birth certificates for medical or other important factors

  4. heidibartelt says:

    I was able to find my birth mom from the county that I was adopted in. I went through the social services department and they were able to find my records and contact my birth mom to see if she would like to be contacted by me. I was born in 83 and the social worker said it was around that time that they changed how the records were filed. Before that they were filed by name or something like that not by county in which the adoption took place. I found out that I have 3 half siblings. It took about 3 months for them to find her because they had to go through her relatives to find her but couldn’t say why they were looking for her. It was a very interesting thing to learn. I am now waiting to hear back from her.

  5. genesis1968 says:

    I am trying to find my half brother. I’m hoping he will see my post and respond to me. I don’t have his name only that he was born on or around September 1st, 1964, in Big Rapids, Michigan. I’m not even sure my dad’s name was ever put on the birth certificate. If it was his name was Ronald C.A. Christensen I have the name of the birth mother but hesitate to list it as we are currently contacting her for the first time and I’m not sure how she will respond. I know this isn’t much information but if anyone out there has a match to my information please contact me at denandton1224@hotmail.com.

    Tonja

  6. pferro79 says:

    All my life I’ve always been curious about the unexplainable, my mom always said that my baby pictures had been lost in so many moves, I always found that hard to believe, I became specially interested after watching the movie “annie”, and always thought how it would feel to find out that I was adopted. Well I never knew it would actually come true. I was going through some of my parents papers, (without them know, of course) kinda playing detective, when I came across, some adoptive paper, both in spanish and english, special documents, even a letter fr a lady that worked at the orphanage where I had been adopted fr (Chiquitines),next to my name I saw another name, my birth name, maria del carmen gonzalez, at first it came as a shock, little by little I became acustomed to the, Idea. Years later, now I am ready to start my search on my background, whom I came fr, and what are they like, if they are still around, if i have any siblings. Sometimes I feel like I may have a connection with someone, a sibling, kinda like a twin somewhere out there. I feel what they feel or a sense of dejavu, or like I’ve lived or experienced something already, even though I know that me personally haven’t, but probably my other half has. Know what I mean? Well here I am, trying to start my search. If any of this sounds familiar to anyone, pls don’t hesitate to reply. Thanks, and good luck to everyone else out there conducting their own search.

  7. scared says:

    I have found the connection, just a click away and am too scared to do it.

    • ronholzwarth says:

      I am a birth father. Please consider my feelings about it, and then make your decision:

      I sure do hope my biological son gets in touch with me someday before I die. I think about him every day, and sometimes cry also. Actually, I do that a lot.

      And, in my dreams I’ve cried about him. I have awakened while crying about him.

      Whether or not he ever contacts me, he’s always going to be a very big part of my life.

      I want to meet him, I really do. I certainly will try to make his life better if he ever does contact me. But that’s all I can do, is try to make his life better. If I ever establish contact with him, that will be my mission in life. I will certainly have no other reason to be alive.

      He was born in Kansas on January 19, 1986.

      My name is Ron Holzwarth, and my phone number is (785) 865-4034.

      Or, to be anonymous, he can call 785-832-2222, and ask for the person who takes care of his birthday greetings that are advertised in the newspaper in Lawrence, Kansas every year. That person is very willing to help in every way possible.

      And also, he has biological grandparents that for sure will want to meet him too. But, they are getting older. He will not have forever to meet them.

  8. toniwilliams says:

    I’m wondering if anyone has advice for me. i have found 2 of my children but one of them dont want me and the other wants to live with me one is 14 and the other is 13 they are in same home.What do i need to do to find out how to bring my son home he is 14 and lives in oregon what steps do i need to take to do that.It was an open adoption 13 yrs ago and the parents have not let me stay in contact or anything so i am lost my son wants to come home to me. any thoughts

    • ccrook74 says:

      Toni, first you truly are Blessed to know where your sons are living and they are together!

      There are so many variables in this situation like…your boys are at that “Hormonal” development, that “Independent, Rebellious” stages are starting to kick in so why would your son want to leave the home he’s known as “Home”? What do you really know of this child, this teenager; his attitudes, likes, dislikes, any concerns, issues or problems at home, social skills, school, relationship w/his parents and brother, etc? Many times especially at that age, the “other side” always sounds great and I’m sure you want to provide him a wonderful home, environment etc but what is he expecting by leaving his “home” & to live w/you?

      For example: his parents (adoptive but since they’ve raised your son(s), they are his parents)may be strict or somewhat, they set limits and limitations w/curfews and/or has been grounded for doing something so living w/you may be his “escape”, a sense of freedom, a change to his environment thinking you’ll spoil him, allow him to do what he can’t do now, you’ll be more leinent, etc..kinda like going to visit one’s grandparents &/or Aunts-Uncles cause it’s always fun then..:)) I highly recommend before taking any steps, to take some time to evaluate him, his environment and time to get to know him before jumping into this full force for you both.

      Also you need to ck w/Oregon Adoption Laws and even if Open Adoption…your removing this child may be an illegal step…so ck with Child Services, an Adoption-Child Attorney, anyone who can provide you Legal Guidance. If you have an Open Adoption did that mean you could see your sons grow up or was it just you knew who the parents are and where they w/live? I’m sure you truly love your sons…but take time for you too, for you to move forward objectively, by reason of logic and what’s in the best interest of the child, not you! I was adopted but I also had a daughter at 20 that I very sadly knew I was not able to provide the home she should have. I love her so much I wanted her to have more instead of less and don’t mean just in $$$$. I mean in a very loving stable environment because sometimes love is just not enough. I almost changed my mind right after her birth to not give up my rights but I had to take a deep breath and step back from my “wants” & emotions and what was best for her.

      I then contacted an attorney a yr later & again I had to do the same; stop, think and listen to my “logical reasoning” and not MY wants, needs and emotions. My heart was broken, I wanted her so bad but I had to do what was best for her!!

      So for 34 yrs I hurt, especially on her birthdays, Mothers Days, Christmas etc; incl milestones like her 1st birthday, steps, words, hugs, smiles, rocking her to sleep, 1st day of kindergarten, graduations etc. I prayed always that God please keep her safe, that she does have a loving stable home and is healthy & happy. I asked God that one day before He called me Home, I would get to meet my daughter. After 34 yrs suddenly thru this site, Adoption.com; with the info I provided & posted, she was scrolling thru and found it which matched her info she had. This was a closed adoption. She emailed me as I left my email contact info so my daughter could easily find me and that I would not reject her, she would be welcomed, always!! That I love her, always have and always will… So we’ve been in contact since August 2011 and she’s made reference to meeting. I am very excited but nervous too. So my point: always put your children’s best interest first and foremost.

      Toni, as much as you yearn and cry to have your sons back w/you; take the time to look at the whole picture, all the facts before taking this huge step. Even if legal for you to do so, be sure emotionally, what is best for him.. In TN a child at 13 can say where he wants to live but based on the facts incl the child’s emotional and mental state, history, any issues etc the Court Judge may say differently but most times the Judge does allow this or at the very least a period of adjustment to see how it goes and Social Service w/conduct some evaluations. So again, check w/your Social Service if needed as well to find out what age a child in Oregon can choose where to live. Also think of the parents who have raised him. Are they loving good people, any issues w/them w/your sons? Your other son wants to stay… be interesting to know why he wants to stay w/them yet your other son wants to leave them…. I hope this helps give some directions and insight on moving forward. I wish you and your sons the best and at this age they knowing of you, it might be good to talk w/the parents and get their take on all this, if possible. It is never easy for the adoptive parent(s) to let their child reach out to their Birth Parent(s) for fear of the child not wanting them (Adoptive Parents) anymore. That the Birth parent(s) w/replace them. My “Dad” who raised me was very supportive of me when I wanted to meet my Birthfather. I was much older then your sons but no matter the age, it’s nervewracking, exciting; the unknown is scary for all parties involved. However I remember telling my Dad at the airport when he took me to fly to FL to meet my Birthfather; “Dad, anyone fertile can be a Father, but it takes someone special to be a Dad. You are my “Dad”, he (Birthfather) will never take your place w/me, ever. He is a stranger but possibly we can be family in a “Friend way”…not a Daughter-Father Way.” I’ll never forget the tear in my dad’s eyes when I told him that and I still feel this way.

      It’s been many yrs since then and my Birthfather never made attempts other than 1 time to reunite after our original meeting but we never did. After several attempts by me, he still rejected any further communication. I was very hurt when he regected my attempts but It is what it is and because he’s a stranger, it did not have a really strong affect on me. Now if my Dad who raised me, loved me rejected me, I’d be heartbroken for sure, because he is my DAD!!!

      I hope this helps. God Bless your future endeavors and wish you and your sons the very best and God knows what is best…reach out and he’ll guide you, I promise!! It may not be now for the time but later; patience which I know is hard w/be needed thru this process…and Faith!

  9. michellemsmith says:

    Hi Steve,
    I am an adoptee from Ohio searching for my birthmother or father…my adoption is sealed since I was born Sept. 1966. I have sent my info into Troy Dunn’s site, requested their help (with no response). I have a polycythemia vera (a blood disorder) which causes thickening of blood and blood clots. Been hospitalized 4 times since diagnosed in 2003. Each time is worse than last.
    I desperately want to find my birth family before it is to late for me. I was lucky enough to recently find a kind person at the adoption agency that handled my adoption and she searched the info (even though it was old)and found a woman who matched the info she had (name,DOB,etc)
    called her and contact identified herself from the adoption agency said she was looking for (and gave my mothers maiden name …with DOB of ~)…the lady never denied or confirmed that is who she was speaking with….all she said after a long period of silence is…”I once knew that person but I don’t know if I can get in touch with her again”?????? WHAT DID THAT MEAN??? The lady listed as my birthmother’s mother resides about 20 min. from this lady who was contacted…so I know it was my birthmother that she reached! That has been 3 weeks ago and no response yet. My contact from adoption agency sent her a letter with a way to contact her at adoption agency if she decided to. Still Nothing yet….. I know she must be in shock but I keep wondering WILL SHE CALL? According to my non identifying info…my mother wanted to keep my but her mother wouldn’t allow it ..my birthfather wanted to marry her…but again her mother wouldn’t allow it. She named me Wendi …I did find through a search angel that a woman in Cincinnati, Ohio had a child on my DOB and named her Wendi (through OH birth records)…her last name was Gavin. So I guess my name is Wendi Gavin?
    Any Ideas? My heart has a missing piece and I desperatly need to know if she wants to reunite or if she wishes to have no contact at all. I want her to know that I love her and don’t blame her for giving me up….I feel horrible for her at having to deal with that for 44 years. But I have been searching for over 20 years. My adopted parents are deceased but would never speak of my adoption. I found out through my neighbors when I was 7 that I as adopted. After that it was a dead subject.

    HELP! Michelle

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