Adoption Search, Birth Family Search, Reunion - Grief, Loss, and Anger in Adoption

04/21/06

Grief, Loss, and Anger in Adoption

Posted by : Karen Sterner in Adoption Search Blog at 07:30 pm , 416 words, 165 views
Categories: Healing and Recovery, Issues, Grief, Loss, Anger

A few weekends ago I encountered a searching adoptee whose anger is sadly getting the best of her. After a few email exchanges with her, I thought it might be good to write about the losses of adoption and grief.
The thing with adoption is that there are gains and losses for all triad members. Adoptees gain parents while loosing their birth parents. Adoptive parents who are infertile become parents while losing the dream of giving birth to a child. Birth parents are relieved of the parenting while losing a child.

Even in the world of open adoptions, there is loss. There is no way around it. No matter how we look at it, every adoptee losses their birth family, even in open adoptions. These losses can lead to anger.
Along with loss is grief. The stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) can appear in any order and at any time during a triad member’s life. No matter what happens in a triad member’s life and no matter what life events take place, the adoption losses are always there. They do not go away. It is a loss and avoiding the grief will just postpone dealing with it. You can’t go over it, you can’t go under it, and you can’t go around it. You have to go through it. I really think that part of the healing process is to validate and honor the losses of adoption with ourselves and in the other triad members.

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Searching is a roller coaster ride. There is no doubt that it is a highly emotional journey. It has many ups and downs. It is important to follow your gut and expect to be fearful. You may feel that you shouldn’t search. Expect yourself to be angry. There are going to be brick walls along the way but do not give up and keep the hope. There are going to be times that you feel the situation is unfair and should not have happened. You may try and find someone to blame. For example, the, the adoptee that I encountered this weekend was blaming me personally for her not being able to complete her search.

One of the things you can do is to read. Some reading can inspire. Some can anger but ALL can teach. You can learn about other people’s searches. What worked and what didn’t. Keep your mind, heart, eyes, and ears open to the message of each.

5 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: merrill1277 [Member]

Hello from a regular reader, Karen. I appreciate your writings. I'm a nat. mom in reunion. I just wanted to mention Karen, that I don't feel I was "relieved" of parenting, but rather didn't have the privilege of parenting as an unsupported unmarried mother at the time, though it was my heart's true desire to keep and raise my son. Some of the reasons for that loss of privilege could be found in your recent postings on coercion. On the other hand, it *is* a 'relief' to see the truth of the matter (of history) coming to light that it doesn't remain hidden to the public eye forever. It's important for others to learn this history for as we know, history often repeats itself, though perhaps 'different' in forms.

Permalink 04/22/06 @ 10:13

Comment from: Karen Sterner [Member]

· http://birthfamily-search.adoptionblogs.com/

Thank you so much for commenting and it is nice to know that there are regular readers of the blog.

So very true about the relief. I am sure that the truth of history is a relief. Probably for natural mothers this is when the true healing begins. Facing history and letting it out to friends and family is a huge thing and like many things I am sure is something that is not easy to do.

The truth is always the best way to go. The receipt of the truth may not like it, they may get angry at the truth or feel as if things should have been different. However, the reality is that the truth is being told and for me, personally I would take the truth over anything else. One knows where they stand when the truth is told and in the situation of relinquishment the child knows the truth about the beginning of their lives. They may not always like it or it may not be what they expected but it is better than not knowing.

For some natural mothers, they come to a point where they can't continue to keep the secret or push the feelings and emotions down. Eventually, the lid can't be kept on the can and the truth comes out.

Hope I made some sense and again, I appreciate your comments. I hope that you continue to read and enjoy the writtings. If you have a suggestion for a topic, please let me know.

Karen

Permalink 04/22/06 @ 18:46

Comment from: Jan Baker [Member]

· http://birthfamily-search.adoptionblogs.com/

Like Merrill, I had no sense of being "relieved" of my parenting responsibilities. I wanted to parent my son, so, there was no sense of relief for me, only regret, heartache and sadness. Most of the birth moms I know wanted to parent, but, for so many reasons had no support to do so.

Technically and legally, we were relieved of the responsibility though. For some few birth moms, I imagine that it really was a relief.

Couldn't agree with you more about the truth being the best course of action! Even at times when the truth is hard, it's still better to know. Letting the truth out is very freeing too, and yes, helps begin the healing!

Permalink 04/23/06 @ 01:13

Comment from: Bonnie [Member]

I must agree with yur statement 'can't go under it must go through it' regarding dealing with and acceptance of adoption. I am an adoptee who always knew of my adoption at birth however did not have any curiousity re birth family for many years. At the age of 58 I was contacted by my birth brother, also adopted, of whom I had no previous knowledge. We have since found another birth sister and are in the process of reuniting and catching up on lost years. It has been a rollercoaster ride but well worthwhile and one of the great joys of my life to actually find someone to whom I'm genetically related. I now feel that my life is complete as I had a wonderful adoptive family and now lovely birth relatives. Just goes to show -you are never too old to discover new avenues. I do wish I had searched earlier while parents were alive, we miss so many connections when we wait too long.

Permalink 04/23/06 @ 21:45

Comment from: Lindabooklady [Member]

I never expected to be angry, but now, I feel anger at the closed adoption system that victimized all
the members of my triad. My adoptive parents are good decent people who love me, without necessarily understanding me. My mother would be hurt by my search
because she was taught by the closed
system that there is no real difference between natural and adopted families. She believes that
she must have done something wrong
if my sister or I want to search.
I recently had a hysterectomy, at
age 43, and I am having a more difficult time than I expected coping with the loss of fertility.
Because of complications, my genetic
history is more of an issue than ever. I feel that I have to jump through legal hoops to know what
everyone else takes for granted.
Even if I take the first step of
non-ID information, I don't think
that it would be adequate to address
my health concerns. But with my family, who are my greatest support
network, unable to even acknowledge
my loss, it is very difficult for me
to deal with my feeling right now.

Permalink 04/25/06 @ 13:45

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