Resolution of Grief

The goal in successful grief resolution is to reestablish emotional equilibrium. Ms. Robinson used Worden's model of grief counseling from his book, Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, to demonstrate how the disenfranchised grief of natural mothers interferes with the successful resolution of grief. The four aspects he presents as necessary for successful grief resolution include: first, accept the reality of the loss; second, experience the pain of grief; third, adjust to the environment from which the lost person is missing; and fourth, withdraw emotional energy and reinvest it in another relationship. The disenfranchised grief that natural mothers experience interferes with the completion of all of these tasks.

It is difficult for a natural mother to deal with the first task, to accept the reality of her loss, since she has no concrete focus for her grief. In many cases, she never saw or held her baby. Since the child probably still exists, there is no finality to the loss of her relationship with her child.

Dreams and illusions are hard to mourn. There is also no opportunity for her to experience the pain of her loss since the relinquishment is often a secret. Her situation made others uncomfortable and therefore she could not verbalize her grief. She had to suppress and deny her pain. The third task is also impossible for a natural mother. How can she adjust to a new environment without her child when the child was never accorded a place in her life anyway? And yet her life situation and psychological environment has changed dramatically. Finally, how can she reinvest her emotional energy in another relationship when this one still exists, if only in her mind?

In normal bereavement, rituals surround and ease the pain of the bereaved. But for cases of disenfranchised grief, there are no rituals. A natural mother receives no cards, flowers, or expressions of sympathy. There is nothing to validate her loss. Society sees no reason for her to grieve so there are no allowances for a change in her demeanor, behavior or outlook as there would be in regular bereavement situations. In addition, there are no rituals to delineate the length of mourning. No wonder many natural mothers feel as if their grief will never end.

Some natural mothers place added blame upon themselves for not being able to "get over it". When the mourner feels responsible for the loss, it results in feelings of shame and guilt. Relinquishing mothers feel that, not only were they to blame for the unmarried pregnancy and relinquishment, they were also to blame for not dealing with their grief successfully, making grief resolution even more difficult.