Ah, yes, "expectations" can land you in a pickle all too often! Expectations are inevitable, but, unrealistic expectations can be problematic. I have heard many adoptees and reunited birth parents complaining about not getting appropriate responses to gifts.

In fact, it annoys some people so much, they may decide to stop sending gifts at all. In most instances, I question the wisdom of that approach. Suddenly withholding gifts because you do not receive what you perceive is the proper response could trigger negative reactions that might seriously affect your reunion.

When I first decided to send gifts to my son, I thought long and hard about my reasons and expectations. Admittedly, I discovered that part of my motivation was to get a reaction. Of course, everyone likes prompt thank yous and effusive praise for gifts. However, is that need a valid basis for giving someone a gift?

You are less likely to be disappointed if you approach gift giving for the purpose of doing something that makes you feel good, and that feels like the right thing to do. Doing what is right is a reward in itself. Anything more is a bonus.

Okay, that is how I handle gift giving. If you need thank yous and want to tell the other person, that is fine as well. Be prepared, however, that you may encounter a chilly reception. Maybe not, your child or birth parent may be mature and able to take constructive criticism. Only you know if this is important enough to you to to initiate a discussion on the subject.

For birth parents, don’t forget, since you did not raise your child,it is unreasonable to expect their standards of politeness to meet your expectations. I caution birth parents who are tempted to get their feathers ruffled if they do not receive an appropriate “thank you” to tread lightly. Your child may not be thrilled for you to criticize their behavior, and may let you know it.

Sometimes birthparents may not provide the proper response as well. It can work both ways, like most issues in reunion. It is important to keep in mind your motivation for a gift or card. If you want praise or attention, a gift might not necessarily be the best way to achieve that.

A few years ago, I was part of a very small group of two to four birth mothers who met once a month to chat. One of the women had been in reunion with her daughter for six or seven years. Like clockwork, she had been sending gifts to two granddaughters that she had never met. However, she was getting frustrated at the lack of response her gifts were receiving.

A holiday was approaching and she was considering no gifts. I gave her my spiel above about thinking about her motivation for the gifts, and whether she wanted praise. I told her to consider doing what she felt was right and what made her feel good. She said that enjoyed choosing special gifts for her granddaughters and felt good about sending them.

After some discussion, she decided to send gifts at least one more time. A few months later, she told me that her daughter thanked her nicely for the gifts, and sent a photo of the girls with their gifts. Not only that, but her daughter asked to come for a visit with her girls. I spoke to her a short time after the visit, and it was a turning point for their relationship. Persistence is often rewarded in reunion relationships.

An adoptee named Patrick McMahon has designed adoption greeting cards and a calendar that are appropriate for adoptees and birth parents to exchange. Gifts are also available at the adoption.com giftshop. Finally, Carrie at about.com has some suggestions as well.