For adoption triad members adoption is a part of our lives. It is not going to go away and it is not perfect. No matter your specific situation most encounter frustration and anger at some point.

Frustration and anger surface because there are many experiences that can bring up these feelings. Here are some common triggers that I have seen through out the adoption community:

• A yearning for knowledge
• Family and friends who don’t understand
• Our own confusion
• A search that hits brick wall after brick wall
• A reunion that is not going well

Now, I truly believe that if used in a healthy way, the feelings of frustration and anger can be a positive thing and used to your advantage. Frustration can lead to new and creative problem solving thoughts, and find hidden reserves of determination. Anger can let you know when boundaries have been violated, uncover deep needs which have been ignored, and provide the fuel to motivate change.

Coping with these feelings is realizing that frustration and anger are symbolic of other unmet needs. If you can find a way to get these needs met, even if not in the way you thought, this can help your life become more satisfying. You will also become more comfortable with expressing your feelings openly and with asking for what you want. This is something that will affect all of your relationships including the relationship you have with yourself. Finally, you can work through and create your own definition of what you need to be happy. It took me a long time to realize and learn this.

I was in my twenties when I found my natural mother. I was angry that I hit brick wall after brick wall and felt desperate to find my natural mother.

I was angry at the system but somewhere behind that negative feeling I had was a desire to change, grow, and to find my own person. I was a member of a search and support group that reached out to me with well intentioned words of advice and hope. I made an effort to hear what it was that others were saying and offering me. The person that helped me the most was the person who was straight forward and to the point while at the same time remaining patient with me.

There were times that I vented to this person. I laid blame or pointed fingers to different people in my life and family and this person pointed out the areas where I was responsible for my own decisions. I vented against the system and she reminded me that arguing with reality wouldn’t change it. I begged for help and she asked me endless questions so that I could find my own answers.

Somewhere along the line I learned to question my beliefs and to change my perspective. I started to recognize that what I was thinking before I made decisions. I learned to effect change by choosing carefully and altering my actions deliberately. I stood taller, gained confidence and found out how to access my power through compassion instead of pain.

Before I found my natural mother, I found myself. I was able to transform my pain into power. I had found peace, strength, and faith. This is when my search was completed and I had found a grave. There was a day that I was able to look in the mirror and honestly admire looking back on the journey. The lesson I learned was that it doesn’t matter how my search and reunion unfolded I knew that I would grow, and heal through the experience and use it to propel forward to live my life.