When I found a grave, I thought and felt all alone. Although I had a lot of people around me who loved and supported me, and was an active member of an adoption search and support group, there was no one else that I knew who had found a grave.

As time went on and with the evolution of the internet there is more support out there for those who have found a grave or lost a triad member through death. On that I found and am an active member of is called Found and Lost Support. This is a yahoo group mailing list and the link to it is http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/FoundandLostSupport/.

I don’t post often to this mailing list or for that matter any of the ones that I belong to but this group is one that I will post to every now and again. The group is for people who have been separated from a biological family member by adoption, searched and found a grave. This makes our group unique as every member has lost the same person twice; once to adoption and then to death. I think it is important to point out that if you have made contact with your lost loved one, no matter what the status of your reunion was before they died, this group is not for you. Many of the members of the group feel that not meeting the person for whom the members have searched for is the key here; it’s the reason this group was formed. Everyone in the group understands the heartbreak of finding a lost loved one only to lose them again to death after they have been found, however, the difference between making contact, no matter how limited or full, and not being able to have made any contact at all is monumental.

Finding a grave at the end of a search is devastating; the bereaved searcher can feel out of place within the adoption community because their search is over and reunion is impossible; they find themselves in limbo and unsupported by people who don't understand the intense sense of loss and longing they feel for people they've never met.

The group was founded and is maintained by one of the many bereaved searchers. Her name is Denise and she found her only child, a boy who she lost to adoption in 1969, deceased. She found a grave on May 30, 2003 and learned that her son had died at the age of 18 and was the 15th anniversary of his funeral. Denise was devastated and needed to reach out to others who have experienced the same type of loss, but she couldn't find any groups that catered to her specific situation so she started this support group in loving memory of her son Michael.

The support group also has a website that is currently under construction but appears to be an excellent resource of hope and encouragement for those who are experiencing the pain of finding a grave. The groups website is available at www.foundandlostsupport.com.