Many of the fathers of babies relinquished in decades past were quite young themselves. Although some may have made some attempts to be helpful and supportive, most had minimal ideas of exactly how and what they should do. Birth dads differ just like birth moms.

Even those birth dads who tried to find ways to help avoid the adoption option failed due to their youth and immaturity. For others, their coping skills may have led them to flee the situation out of fear. Some men were just plain irresponsible and uncaring individuals. I believe this category of irresponsible jerks to be the minority though.

Even though a birth mom may believe that the birth dad failed her and her child, it can be very healing for her to forgive the birth dad at reunion. It may also be something that can be helpful and healing for the birth dad. The birth mom may have an opportunity to confront the birth dad and seek some resolution by conversations with him. For others, this may not be possible. Forgiving the birth dad can have many benefits for all. You might be pleasantly surprised to find if the birth day was young and irresponsible, he is now caring and remorseful.

Often the fiercest battle at reunion is for birth parents to find ways to forgive themselves. Some birth parents today, and some adoptive ones as well, have difficulty understanding why us older birth parents feel any guilt for our decisions to relinquish a child to adoption. In some ways, I almost wonder if we have not gone too far in de-stigmatizing the concept of placing a child for adoption. While I do not believe we should shun or harshly judge a woman who places a child for adoption, I also believe we should not make the practice appear so desirable either. It is still a fact that many women still judge themselves severely for placing a child for adoption, and much of society still does as well.

Forgiving myself was a hard battle for me to win at reunion. Though I believe it is a battle that I have mostly won, I imagine that this issue will continue to plague me from time to time as it does most birth mothers. I eventually got so tired of feeling badly though, I decided it was time to forgive myself. Easier said than done? Oh yeah, most definitely!