Via Email

With the advent and current popularity of the Internet, email has become a new method for first contact. I believe it is a reasonable method with a few reservations. Sometimes people share email addresses with others. There might be a privacy concern if you email someone who may share their email box with someone else. That other person may not know of the adoption. If that person sees a message that is not discreet enough, huge problems could arise for the person for whom the message was intended. Perhaps you could first confirm that the email address is not shared with someone else. If you are able to verify that the email box is private, then via email might be a feasible way to initiate contact.

Another slight reservation I have with this method is that there is some potential for the parties to remain anonymous if their first contact is via email. I know one birth mom who has been emailing her son for nearly 5 years and he still is reluctant to give her his complete name and location! Granted, this is probably an extreme case and first contact via email is generally a reasonable method for first contact.

In Person

I have heard of a few instances in which the first contact is a face-to-face meeting. This method I call "showing up on the doorstep" method. Personally, this is my least favorite technique for a variety of reasons. The element of surprise, and the huge tendency to invade someone’s privacy is great with this method. I know that this method has worked for some, but, I do not recommend it in most cases.

Here is a post about being found and what that was like.
Being Found

Here is a post about the first phone call with my son.


Whatever method you choose, keep in mind always do all that you can to be ultra sensitive and respect the other party’s privacy. Not all birth parents have told others about the adoption. Not all adoptees have been told about their adoption.

Best advice? Pick whatever method you are most comfortable with. Remember that the person that you are biologically connected to most likely will prefer the same method. Keep in mind that whatever method you choose that other person will probably be shocked and/or surprised, but also overjoyed and excited.