Considering a search is generally a pretty scary proposition for most of us participants in closed adoptions. For each member of the triad the idea of searching presents different challenges.

For adoptees, there may be some negative feedback when they announce that they are considering a search. People who aren’t adopted sometimes have a hard time grasping why a search is necessary. Consequently, some adopted people are sometimes peppered with insensitive probing questions about their desire to search. Comments such as:

"Aren’t your adoptive parents upset?"
"Why does it matter?"
"Wouldn’t it hurt your adoptive parents?"
"Why do you need to know about your birth family?"

Somehow if you are not adopted yourself, it is one experience that is pretty difficult for many to comprehend or empathize with. Even amongst other adoptees, even some do not really seem to feel or understand that need for reconnecting with birth family.

Because many adoptees understand that their desires to search are not universally understood and accepted, some feel a need to explain themselves and justify their search. Others may not even truly "get" why they want to search themselves. For those who possess the need, it sometimes seems very instinctive and may be difficult to really put into words. The easy and safe justification for searching is to plead a need for medical records. Somehow such a practical needs seems less threatening and more comfortable for many non-triad members. Searching for medical needs sounds reasonable and logical to others as well. And it may well be a reason for some.

Sometimes that need to search is a need only for information which sometimes remains solely for that purpose. However, what begins as a need for information only can deepen and lead to a relationship at times. Others long to get to know their birth families and develop a friendship with them from the beginning. There are some adoptees who feel a connection or need for their birth families and hope to include them in their lives as extended family. Whatever the original thoughts though, it can all change once contact is made. At times warm relationships develop quickly, sometimes more slowly, and for others a relationship never quite seems to jell. The possibilities are endless!