There are many, many factors that will influence the possibility of a reunion happening, and when it happens. These factors also influence the smoothness, intensity, or character of adoption reunion experiences and relationships after reunion. Although it is impossible to list all of them, as each situation is quite unique, there are some factors that stand out as being significant.

If both adopted adult and birth parent are ready and eager to get to know each other, contact with one another can be easier. This usually means that both parties have done a lot of the “work” necessary to come to terms with their personal issues around the adoption experience.

What is currently happening in each person’s life can influence if and how a reunion progresses. If either party has just married, had a child, started a new career, just experienced a considerable loss, etc., he/she may not be able to devote the energy to a reunion, or may become overwhelmed from having taken on too big a load. There may be a need to put new relationships on hold for a while.

Time is calming. Sometimes it is necessary to give oneself time to just get used to new ideas and feelings. Even when there are not particularly difficult obstacles to overcome, people may just need to “digest” the news for a while.

Where each person is in their life cycle has a bearing on how they handle intense feeling, if they are able and willing to form new relationships, and how they go about the process of getting to know each other. Very elderly people can be less likely to take on something new and difficult. Very young adoptees may be still very much immersed in their adoptive families and cannot conceive of taking on additional family responsibilities. Men and women often respond quite differently to the same event.

The feelings and reactions of each person’s family and friends can influence a reunion. No one wishes to jeopardize the current relationships. If there is a great deal of distress created for an important person, the reunion may have to be slowed down and those issues addressed. If a birth mother’s family does not know about an adoptee, or if an adoptee did not know they were adopted, it will likely take much more time for a reunion to proceed.

Reunions usually bring up a lot of intense feelings from the past – often long hidden. Sometimes there are deep wounds that are very painful to open up again. For most people, the possibility of healing those wounds helps them face the more difficult aspects of cutting through the pain of the past. Some people, however, feel they cannot take the chance of opening those doors again.