Last night, my husband and I had a conversation where I shared a fear that I have with him. His response was that fears are based on assumptions and used the analogy of your in the woods and fear a lion….you assume the lion is going to attack so that is why you are afraid. I had no response and have been mulling over this thought process ever since.

I think what he was trying to say is that I had to figure out is determine what my fear is based on. You can’t beat what isn’t real and you can’t overcome what is real if you won’t admit exists. Facing the fears based on reality helps to overcome it. If the fear is based in fantasy acknowledging the fantasy helps to overcome it. If folks resist facing their fears, they will persist.

One example I can think of off the top of my head is the fear of rejection. Medical history is the most cited reason for search not just because of the importance of knowing about family medical problems in order to combat their own and avoid future ones but because it’s a less emotional and an understandable reason to explain the decision to search. Searching for medical history only allows an adoptee to justify completing a searching since updated medical histories are seldom available through the agency. It also is a way to avoid the questions of loyalty and the possibility of rejections. I am not saying that everyone using the need for medical history is deluding himself but I think that everyone who uses this as their primary reason should do some deep soul searching and figure out his or her motivations as well as the possible consequences. The reality is that when a search is completed you are not finding a file cabinet full of information or a medical questionnaire but real people who will have their own ideas about what they want out of contact and reunion. I wish that someone would have told me that 15 years ago. The outcome of my search would not have been different but I may have been better prepared. It wasn’t until I was standing at my natural mothers grave that I realized how much I needed to speak with her and have the opportunity to start a relationship.