Before you begin to search and/or as you are searching, it would be very wise to consider the possible outcomes. Then, try to determine if you are prepared for whatever you might find. Easier said than done, of course! Although you may prepare yourself extensively, some outcomes inevitably may still be quite difficult to accept emotionally. However, you will be better prepared if you have at least considered some of the possible outcomes.

The end of a search can run the gamut. Here are some possibilities.

You may find that:

1) The person you were searching for is no longer living. If this turns out to be the case, there are sometimes other family members or close friends that you might wish to contact. People who knew the birth family member that you were seeking might be able to share with you either photos or their memories of the person;

2) The birth family member is not ready or able to risk contact. It is important to remember that the first response is not the final one. Many people who are “found” need some time to process before they feel capable of contact. This is particularly true for a birth parent who has kept her relinquished child a secret (See my post: The End of a Long Search.);

3) The object of your search is a likable person that you would like to get to know. Moreover, they are enthusiastic, eager and ready to embrace you fully and welcome you into their life, with no reservations. Since birth parents are sometimes often all lumped into one category as shiftless, irresponsible, deadbeats (or worse), this is often what some adoptees expect. Therefore, many are surprised to find that many of us are “normal”, decent and stable people. I feel fortunate that I was able to welcome my son back into my life with no reservations and did not need time to process before we reconnected;

4) The person that you find is highly dysfunctional, unstable and/or a substance abuser or simply someone you may not want to get to know for any number of reasons. Some birth parents do fit the stereotypical unstable people that many expect them to be; or

5) The original person you searched for is unwilling to have contact, but, other birth family members such as grandparents, aunts, cousins or siblings may embrace you and offer the opportunity to connect with them. I know several adoptees that have developed very warm and rewarding relationships with siblings, aunts or other family members.

I believe that many of us are so well prepared for the worst case scenario that we are least prepared for the best possible ending to a search. While I do not believe in fairly-tale endings, I do know that successful relationships often develop after a search. I consider the relationship that my son and I have formed to be a successful one. We both worked hard to build the friendship that we now have.

Other times relationships do not happen. Some searchers want relationships, others are more interested in information only. I believe that every adopted person has the right to search, get medical or whatever other information they wish to have. However, I would hope that anyone who feels that they do not desire a relationship to proceed very cautiously. Perhaps consider trying first to seek information from the agency or other avenues. If you do make direct contact and you are certain that you have no interest in contact; I believe you owe it to that person to be honest about your feelings.

Sometimes you may not know what you want until you meet that other person. In that case, again, be honest and tell the birth family member that you need to proceed slowly.