Have you begun to search and run into attitudes and people who make you want to scream?

During your search, you may come across some troublesome attitudes when you tell people about your search. Even some of the agencies or other facilities that may have your records may be not be supportive of searches. Some people just do not understand why anyone wants or needs to search. In some instances, some people who control access to records are openly hostile to searchers.

Therefore, if you are embarking on a search it might be best to prepare for mean-spirited, uninformed or ignorant comments from people. For instance, an adoptive mom I know recently went back to the agency that she used to adopt her daughter. She wanted to enlist their help in a search for her daughter's birth mom. The social worker was very discouraging. He went so far as to tell the adoptive mom that he thought the birth mom would not want to be found. He based this opinion solely on the fact that 20+ years ago, the birth mom had not told anyone about her pregnancy. Fortunately, my friend and her daughter ignored his advice. He could have been right, but, in this case, he was not. They found the birth mom and she was thrilled to have contact.

Other adoptees have shared with me rude comments and people that they have encountered as they tried to gain access to records. Even the recent television show "DMC - An Adoption Journey" cited an example. When requesting his original birth certificate, DMC was laughed at and told, "Oh, you'll never get your hands on that."

Some of the attitudes come from old stereotypes about birth parents. We are not all the same - we birth parents. Many people automatically think birth parents are somehow "different" from regular people. They wonder why anyone would want to find a birth parent that “gave them away” or “abandoned” them. Therefore, sometimes adoptees are cautioned that they may find a birth parent either dead at an early age, in jail or any number of undesirable possibilities. Some adoptees do find birth parents in less than ideal situations. However, many birth parents are "normal", responsible, educated, loving and stable people.

If you intend to search, be prepared. Anticipate some ignorance and possibly even open hostility towards your search. Maybe a list of hurtful comments made to searchers is in order? Perhaps, some pithy comebacks for those who make those comments?