Every adoption is different. The circumstances surrounding the decision to relinquish your child to adoption all are different but there are common feelings and emotions that run through all adoptions. During the closed adoption era natural mothers may have felt powerless and lack monetary and emotional support. Years after the adoption they may still feel the social stigma. For many it was that shame that prompted parents to place their pregnant daughters in maternity homes to hide the pregnancy.

I have met natural mothers who gave birth in an ugly room in a maternity home with very little medical care. I have also met natural mothers who gave birth in a bight cheerful hospital with the pres-elected adoptive parents nearby. There are many others that were somewhere in between. Some were allowed to see their baby. Some had held their baby, named their baby and were given some time to say goodbye. There are other natural mothers who had their baby whisked away by nurses and were told that it would be easier that way. Some natural mothers had lots of emotional support and some did not.

I had a friend in high school who relinquished her baby, a girl, to adoption. This was truly my first experience with a natural mother. I had been with my friend when she gave birth I remember thinking at the time that she was dealing with the whole situation well but then for her the reality of what was happening had sank in. She downplayed the situation and acted like it was no big deal. She was encouraged even in 1988 to go back to whatever she was doing before she had the baby and move on with her life. It wasn’t until many years later that I learned differently and this was a huge deal.

Since that experience in high school I have learned much through other natural mothers. Some natural mothers may have become angry at their parents, their partner, the adoption agency or even society. Some rebelled and others turned their anger inward and became depressed. Some may have felt worthless and believed the people who said they were no good. Some may have even resorted to taking drugs, or drinking alcohol. Some of the natural mothers can get stuck in this phase of their grief for a long time and keep moving from denial to anger to depression over and over.

If you feel as if you are stuck in your grief, there are a few positive things that you can do to help you cope with your grief and accept the loss. They are listed below:

• Go to counseling
• Talk with supportive family members or friends
• Attend a support group meeting
• Write your feelings down in a story or poem. You can use a journal.
• Write a letter to your child even if you don’t send it
• Do something in honor of your child each year on his or her birthday