I think that society has assumed that an adoptee who is healthy and well adjusted would have no desire to search for his or her birth or family history. There was a time in society that the adoptees who wanted to search and learn the truth were ungrateful and disturbed.

As time has progressed, and more is learned, society is realizing and changing. It is now seen to be normal and healthy for an adoptee to want to know more about their biological family, birth history, medical information, and genetic background. I really feel that once I had this information, although I found a grave, there was a difference in the way I perceived myself. I learned who my birth mother was and I learned about her, what she did, how she lived, and her personality through others in her life. For me, it was an explanation of or answers to some of my questions. I have a better idea of who I really am.

Searching can be complex and difficult to take the first step. Your inner self may be battling within between whether or not to search. You may be afraid that by pursuing your birth family, you may be opening a can of worms and be devastated by what you find. You may experience rejection, a birth parent who needs emotional or financial support that you are not prepared to give. You may be thinking about your birth mother and her life. You may be wondering if your birth mother wants or does not want an intrusion into the life that she has created for herself after your birth. What about your adoptive parents? You may be thinking of them and asking yourself questions of whether they will feel unloved if you search? Unappreciated? Hurt by your need to find your biological parents?

If you are battling with yourself, I want to suggest stopping. You don’t know how your birth mother will feel. It is kind of like considering other people’s real or imagined feelings in into consideration instead of your own. Your own feelings are also important. There is not one adoptee that was born in the closed adoption era that had any control over whether they were placed for adoption and with who. Searching is one way to gain back that control, fill in the missing puzzle pieces and move one.

So, if you have a strong desire to search, follow that desire. It is important to have a support network while going through the search process. Searching is a way to feel that you are a part of an extended family. Searching is a normal need to know the truth or where they got their talents. I do believe that genetics plays a part in peoples abilities and talents. Also, like in my case, if the adoptive parents are supportive of the search it will make the relationship between the adoptive parents and the adoptee closer.

Remember though that you are searching for the truth and you have to accept whatever you find.