At the link http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20060910 you can read a letter that was sent to Dear Abby regarding a natural mother who relinquished a child to adoption 4 years ago and asking for advice on how to tell future children of the child that was relinquished to adoption.

Did Abby misunderstand the question? The natural mother was really asking for support and information on how to tell her children, not whether to tell them. The response that was written was of the old line, “keep the secret until they are much older”

I personally think that there are many factors to consider when the natural mother shares here adoption story with the children she is currently raising. The age of the child and whether the adoption was open, semi open, or closed are also factors to consider. There is no one age answer for all situations. Some children are more inquisitive than others at earlier ages, more “mature” and able to handle what might be sensitive issues.

In telling your son or daughter of their adoption, in speaking from experience as perspective adoptive parents, and meeting other adoptive couples and families my feeling is that how you tell your child that he or she is adopted is just as important as when you tell. As the child develops, the need to continue to add to the information the child is given. In regards to my experience as an adoptee and finding out that I was adopted I would not recommend waiting. For me, the implication of waiting equated to secrecy and shame.

For those who have been effected by similar situations in your own adoption experience what do you think? Dear Abby may need to be brought into a more enlightened mode of thinking on the adoption questions she receives.

I hope that as she gets enough letters in response to her reply she made to this natural mother they could get published in a future column in newspapers and on the website.

You can write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.