Guilt is a word that can invoke in us the deepest, most terrible feelings of loss, horror, anger, and helplessness. Why did I do what I did? Why couldn't I have done more? Did I not do enough? Did I do too much? Did I do everything I could? Did I wait too long? If only I had not had unprotected sex. If only I had realized the consequences. If only I had waited longer. If only I had more money. If only I had listened to my parents. If only I had known more at the time. If only I had listened to my gut feelings. These are just some of the questions or thoughts that triad members may have if they are experiencing guilt.

Guilt is a way for us to beat ourselves up for all these questions and "if-onlys" and “did I’s” ‘ Why do we do this? Because the child relinquished to adoption is loved by the natural parents. Because the adoptee loves the natural parents even though they aren’t able to remember them or ever had a relationship with them. Because we wish we could have done more, or wish we had not done what we did.

But we cannot turn back the clock and change things that already have been set in motion. We cannot change what we did or did not do.

For natural parents, what you can do is stop hurting yourself over the guilt. Each of you, in your own way, did what you thought was right at the time, using what you knew and felt. Each of you tried to do the best you could, and did it with the intention of love.

To hurt yourself with the terrible additional pain of guilt is to do disservice to the love you feel for the child relinquished to adoption. With very, very few exceptions, you did the best you knew to do at the time. Even if you feel that you didn't do what you should have, or did what you should not have, you have learned, and everyone can benefit from that knowledge now.