The past few days I have been surging the net and browsing through the forums on line such as the one at www.adoption.com. I have been reading what triad members are writing about and struggling with.

I have always been drawn to natural mothers because it gives me a real opportunity to hear them speak or write about their experiences. For years I would listen to the many natural mothers that I have encountered and try to shed light on my own natural mothers experience and what struggles she must have gone through.

One of the things that I have heard over and over is the pain that comes with relinquishing a child to adoption. The second is the pain that comes for the adoptee or natural parent when contact is cut off after reunion has taken place.

As an adoptee with limited contact with my sister after contact for about 4 years I can empathize with how difficult giving up a child is and the long tem grief and loss that accompanies it. I may be able to empathize because I experienced the other end of the loss, although they are different experiences. Giving up a child as an adult or teenager the natural mother has a developed cognition and social experiences as an adult or teenager. This is a base line of identity and self development that the adoptee lacks with it comes to dealing with the grief and loss from the separation of the natural mother. One or the other is unfortunately common in the reunion process. It seems like it may be black and white thinking on both sides meaning it is all or nothing many times.

This is why I as well as the many other online, professionals, and search and support groups recommend preparation for the search and reunion experience. Anyone going through this should never expect that it would be easy or think that it would go smoothly, or expect the others involved to not have their own issues to deal with. It is also important to remember that we all deal with the issues differently.

I believe that the adoptees turn inward or cut off communication as a way of reclaiming power in their lives. It usually happens when the adoptee has periods of overwhelming and confusing emotions around his or her issues.

At times is does confuse me when natural mothers demand or don’t understand when the adoptee turns inward and takes back their own power and control from the situation. The adoptees need to emotionally sever ties is to gain a sense of control and safety around the experiences with their natural mother.

Some natural mothers take this turning away as a personal issues as if the adoptee is one dimensional that they suddenly don’t love them any more. Reality is, it is not this simple. If it was like this is certainly would have made life easier with my sister. I love my sister like nothing else in this world. I was placed in my adoptive parents home when I was four days old. I think that my pushing and pulling with my sister was that I needed to rebuild or build for the first time a solid sense of self. I had to learn to incorporate my natural family along with my adopted family in new ways. I was loyal to my adoptive family but felt the risk of abandonment from them as well. I didn’t want to challenge the family connection while trying to figure out how to embrace my natural family without hurting or threatening anyone involved.

For natural mothers reunion is reconnecting with the past, and facing the great loss of a child, and integrating this truth into their current adult life. They may risk being honest and being courageous enough to live with the consequences of honesty in their lives. The same as adoptees I think natural mothers feel they have to survive. It would help if natural mothers could recognize the pulling back as a survival and integration process and that it is natural in reunion instead of being mad at them or giving up or taking it personally. It really isn’t meant that way. Adoptees have had to live with the loss of their mothers. This can make for a life of self doubting and fear. This needs to be experienced so the adoptee can have a life without it. Natural mothers, don’t pull away in anger and self doubt. Find your motherly strength to not take it personally and prepare yourself to have limits in mentally healthy ways that opens the door for love, support, and haling for yourself and the adoptee.

I am sure that the natural mothers who have had their child pull away are scared. This is a natural reaction. It may help if the adoptee says “It’s all so emotional and I need to take a break” If this isn’t said it is hard to not have the feelings of fear, rejection, and wondering if you have done something wrong.