When I was searching I am not even sure what conflicts I had. When I think about my search I didn’t have the tug of war emotions with my heart that so many adoptees have told me that they have felt. I always felt as if I really had to meet my natural mother and siblings to see why I look and act the way I do. I recall feeling the reject that could very well occur at the end of a search. I think that there are many natural mothers that have the same concerns and I recall just wanting to tell my natural mother that I am fine, that my adoptive family has been very good to me and that I do NOT hate her for the decision she had to make 21 years ago at the time I was searching.

I recall feeling hesitant about dredging up the past because it may have been to painful for my natural mother or other members of her family who may or may not have known about my existence. I was hesitant to put her through that. However, on the flip I side I felt as if I had a right to know who I am and felt very confused at times.

When I decided to search, I knew one thing and that was that I had to search and find my natural family other wise a huge part of myself would have always been missing. I don’t think I would have ever felt complete and although I had conflicts with search, I searched. I don’t regret it and I would do it all over again exactly the same. I wouldn’t change a thing.

In hind sight, what I was feeling was Fear vs. Need. Each emotion that is associated with searching has two sides just like a magnet. Fear is one of the emotions when searching. It is natural to fear the unknown, to fear failure and disappointment and the disruption of an orderly life.

Beneath the fear is the need to search. I think the emptiness in one’s life is more pronounced during emotional highs and lows. There may be a need to affix facts and faces, personalities, and places to origins. If you are struggling with Fear vs. Need try to measure the risk of being hurt and causing hurt against the certainty of remaining disturbed and dissatisfied.

During the adoption search, the adoptee himself or herself can be there worst own enemy. You may keep wondering whether you are strong enough to go through with the search or are you being disloyal to your adoptive family and how will you feel if you are rejected by your natural mother once you have found her.

Some adoptees may not allow themselves the option of searching. The adoptee may get so caught up in the feelings of everyone else that they never acknowledge their own needs and rights to know. Some may not allow themselves to search because they feel as if they are violating the “contract” which they were no part of in making. If this is how you are feeling, I suggest for you to read and increase your awareness as well as reflection to figure out if you have needs not met.