The agency director, whom I have known for years, speaks to me and through the phone I can see her smiles and her body language as I hear her kind gestures as I explain the reason for my phone call. She was a part of my two year search that ended with finding a grave in 1993 and was willing to help us as we consider the journey of adopting a child.
After our phone conversation I was discussing the conversation with my husband and started to reflect on everything I know about my birth mother. A few days later I was going through some photographs and came across one of my birth mother and realized how differently this woman looks to me through the eyes of a grown woman hoping to become a mother. It took my breath away as I began to visualize some of the probable events leading up to my birth mother's life-changing decision.

I saw a young grown woman only 5 years younger than I am today struggling to survive on her own in Pittsburgh. Her parents were deceased, and her nearest living relatives were miles away. I could see her residing in the home of the intermediary while pregnant with me, and her holding me in the hospital for the first time. I felt her anguish as she realizes if she gives me up now, there's hope I will be strong, and have a life that she could not provide for me as a single mother in the early 1970’s.

I looked away from the photo and my heart ached for her and the loneliness of her sacrifice. I think about her struggling with the decision to relinquish me to adoption or attempt to care for me in a society that did not support unwed mothers. I wonder if she was still alive what she would say to my husband and I about our infertility issues and I hope that she would not have been haunted by her choice. Finally, I feel how much my birth mother must have loved me.

When we learned I was pregnant for the first time after trying to conceive for over a year, I imagined holding my son or daughter close to me. We had hopes and dreams for this baby and when we experienced a pregnancy in my fallopian tube, those thoughts all came crashing down. As we wait for the time to pass where we can try again, we are considering the risks to my health and well being, the need to have a biological child of our own, and consider adoption but I also hope that my birth mother came to peace with the decision she made so long ago.
I may have never seen my birth mother in this life, but I believe that one day we will be reunited in a place where nothing can keep us apart. I may not have a conscious memory of her appearance other than photographs; I believe we will recognize each other instantly.