I know a birthfather who agreed to sign the relinquishment papers with the understanding that his birth child will NEVER contact him. I wonder how he will feel 18 years later, when that child is an adult and the pain isn't so fresh. I would like to think that he would soften his position by then.

Do you think the adoptive family is morally obligated to never try to contact him? Or would it be okay to have a "middleman" contact him and give him the option?

- Faith

Many birth parents do change over the years. I like to think that if more birth parents understood how much reunion can benefit their children that there would be fewer refusals.

I think it is wrong to ask for or expect no contact ever - not fair to a child. Therefore, I would not feel under a moral obligation to support such a request. As to whether contact is direct or through someone else, that depends on the situation.

I WOULD NORMALLY BELIEVE THAT BIRTHPARENTS COULD CHANGE THEIR MINDS AS THEY GET OLDER,ESPECIALLY IF THEY WERE A VERY YOUNG BM. HOWEVER MY MOTHER NEVER DID, MAYBE A BLESSING (SHE MUST BE A BAD EGG) HOWEVER I HAD TO ASK THE COURT PERMISSION TO REVIEW MY FILE AND GIVE ME ANY INFORMATION AVAILABLE ( THIS PROCESS TOOK 18MONTHS). THEY GAVE ME A SOCIAL WORKER,WHO REQUESTED MY FILE FROM VITAL RECORDS. I WENT IN FOR MY APPOINTMENT TO FIND THE MOST OF THE FILE WAS COPIED AND MAJOR INFORMATION WAS BLACKED OUT. WITH THE EXCEPTION OF A FEW MISTAKES. I FOUND THAT I WAS ADMITTED INTO THE HOSPITAL BY ANOTHER DR,FROM ANOTHER HOSPITAL, THERE WERE 2 SETS OF NURSURY RECORDS - THE EXCEPTION PART WAS- THAT A FEW OF THE PAGES OF MY NURSERY RECORDS WERE DATED PRIOR TO MY GIVEN BIRTH DATE. THEREFORE AFTER ALL THOSE YEARS I FOUND OUT I WAS CELEBRATING ON THE WRONG DAY AND I HAVE NO CLUE REALLY WHAT DAY TO CELEBRATE. I WAS GIVEN NO NAME BESIDES BABY GIRL DOE.IT IS FRUSTRATING TO DR.S TO TREAT ME FOR ANYTHING BECAUSE I DO NOT KNOW MY FAMILY HISTORY.THE GOOD NEWS IS I HAVE A 2.5-3 YEAR OLDER HALF SISTER THAT FOR SOME REASON MY FATHER ADOPTED AND NOT HER FATHER(WHATS UP WITH THAT?). THE SOCIAL WORKER SENT LETTERS OUT AND MADE PHONE CALLS ALL OVER THE U.S. WITH NO RESPONSE.FINALLY THEY WERE GIVEN PERMISSION TO SEND OUT LETTERS WITH EXACT NAME MATCHES ONLY WITH TAX FORMS PROVIDED BY THE IRS AND MY BM SISTER HAD CALLED AND STATED THAT THE MOTHER DID NOT WANT TO DISCLOSE ANY HISTORY PERIOD (ALL OF THIS LITTLE INFORMATION TOOK APROX 6 YEARS AND 15,000). BUT I DID FIND OUT THAT I AM A FILE NUMBER CODED AND ARRANGED BY FEDERAL AGENCY NEEDS AND PROTECTED BY THE US GOVERNMENT (IT MAKES GOING THROUGH CUSTOMS A BLAST)AND THAT I AM ON PAGE 11 HALF WAY DOWN IN A LITLE RED BOOK THAT SETS IN A SAFE BEHIND THE SUPREME COURTS CLERKS DESK. ATTN: ALL BM, GIVE IT UP, YOU ARE ONLY TRYING TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM THAT FEELING OF EMBARRESSMENT ETC. AND I KNOW ALOT OF MOMS DID THE RIGHT THING BECAUSE THEY COULD NOT PROVIDE FOR THEIR FAMILY, BUT THE IMPORTANCE OF FOLLOWING THROUGH AND FILLING OUT PAPERWORK COMPLETELY IS APPRECIATED BY ALL ADOPTEES.NOTHING FOR NOTHING BUT DON'T YOU THINK WE'RE AFRAID TO. BUT FEAR DOESN'T MEAN I SHOULD STOP BREATHING BECAUSE I WAS BORN WITH DAIRY/MILK ALLERGIES NOT TO MENTION MOST ANTIBIOTICS (MOSTLY HEREDITARY). FEAR MAY KEEP YOU SAFE, BUT OVERCOMING IT WILL SET YOU FREE. AS FOR METING BM/BF - WE ONLY WANT TO SEE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE (PRETTY/UGLY/HAIRY ETC.-SO THAT WAY WE KNOW WHAT WE NEED TO WORK ON)PROBABILITY IS THAT AN ADOPTEE DOESN'T WANT TO BE YOUR BEST FRIEND, WE HAVE GROWN UP TO BE STONG WILLED INDIVIDUALS FOR MANY REASONS FROM OUR FAMILY DIFFRENCES TO OUTSIDERS GIVING THEIR LOUD MOUTHED OPINION OR WHEN YOUR FRIENDS THINK ITS FUNNY, BECAUSE YOU FAMILY SCREWED UP, BUT ITS OK BECAUSE YOUR NOT ONE OF THEM. MY PARENTS DID A GREAT JOB IN RAISING ME, AND ALL THEY WERE GIVEN WAS AN INSTRUCTION MANUAL ON CHANGING MY DIAPER AND A RECEIPT. I DON'T MIND THAT MY BM DIDN'T WANT TO MEET ME OR GIVE ANY INFORMATION, HOWEVER I THINK IT'S MORALLY WRONG OF MY BM/BF TO KEEP MY SISTER IN THE DARK AND NOT TELL/REMIND HER ABOUT ME. IF YOU DECIDE TO REUNITE- USE A MEDIATOR

A gentle reminder to readers:

Typing your comments in all capital letters is the equivalent to yelling in person. It makes for very uncomfortable reading so we ask that you use some basic netiquette and not type in all caps.

Also, the use of "BM", while expedient when typing, is offensive to many birth mothers as it is also the common abbreviation for a bowel movement. In the interest of not offending birth mothers, we frown upon the abbreviation "BM" here unless we are discussing diapers or constipation.

Thank you,
Lisa Pietsch
AdoptionBlogs Editor