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Do birth parents in reunion “owe” their relinquished children anything at the time of a reunion? I believe that they do. At reunion, I feel strongly that birth parents should “step up to the plate” and try to repair some of the damage relinquishment may have caused their children. They can do this by sharing honestly with their children and giving them any information that they request.
Here are a couple of comments that I have heard from adoptees that trouble me:
My birth mom refuses to reveal the name of my birth father;
My birth mom requires that we meet in silence as she is afraid that someone might “find out” about me;
My birth mom never told anyone about me and she still does not want to tell anyone now as she is afraid of their reactions;
My birth mom refuses to tell me about the details of my birth and adoption;
My birth mom has forbidden me to contact any other family members, including my siblings.
These comments and various others make me wish that we could educate birth parents still “hiding in the closet”. As a birth mom who spent considerable years in that birth mother closet of denial, I know that it is a heavy burden to guard secrets. I also know that eventually “coming clean” and facing your past can be very beneficial and healing. Reunion can be a second chance for birth parents to somewhat redeem themselves in the eyes of their children. They cannot make up for the past, but can enrichen the future for their children. Many birth parents still have no idea how important reconnecting may be for their children and themselves.
If you are an adoptee searching, it is helpful to know that some of these attitudes are possible when you find your birth parents. However, I also hope that you do not spend too much time worrying about these possibilities as I do not believe that they are the “norm”. I believe that being as prepared for all possibilities is prudent, but, sometimes I worry that it may scare people to know so much that they become terrified of what could happen!
I hope that we are able to reach more birth parents and let them know the positive aspects of reunion. I believe the more that we are able to do that, the more birth parents will openly and lovingly accept their relinquished children without reservations – as they should.
As a matter of fact, I feel so strongly about this issue, that I wrote an article about it. See What Birth Parents Owe Their Children.
Ah, Jan, if only your list of “What Birth Parents Owe” were law! But unfortunately for so many adoptees it is just wishful thinking. It is, sadly, not enforceable, and nobody can “make” a birthparent step up and do the right thing. I’ve been in reunion for over 25 years now (!!) and I really was hoping my birthmother would come around, but instead she has squirreled even more deeply into that den of denial. I think that shame and secrecy she carried for so many years is just indelible. sigh.
Yes, you are so right, Susan. You cannot force people to always do what is right. I believe that many birth moms are so scarred by losing a child, that healing is nearly impossible for them. It is sad for them and their children.
I feel so fortunate that at reunion I was able to fully embrace my son and love and accept him wholeheartedly. However, I know that some birth moms just cannot do that. I believe that their fear is too great.