Birth parent reunions have been the subject of books, articles, and television shows. I think that two important things emerge from these accounts:

The first is that the adoptee and birth parents carry a picture in their mind of the perfect family. However, the reunion experience may not live up to that fantasy. In preparing for reunion it is so important for birth parents as well as adoptees to prepare for a whole rage of realities. Although most birth parents are agreeable to further contact, research indicates that a minority (9-15 percent) reject any contact (Muller & Perry, 2001b)

The second is that pacing the contact can be one key to having a successful reunion and relationship. I believe that the successful reunion experiences are associated with preparation with a support group and a slower pace between initial contact and actual meeting, involving letters and phone calls. The interval between contact and meeting gives time to allow information to be exchanged and gave the “found” some time to become accustomed to the idea. This time can also give time to share the news with spouses and children in their family if they desire.
Additional factors that may increase the possibility of a long term relationship are the establishment of limits regarding each others lives; support from adoptive parents; minimal expectations; similar lifestyles and temperaments; and acceptance by other family members.

I think that one of the emotional tasks for birth parents is forgiveness. Birth parents may have feelings of shame, guilt, sadness, anger, blame, regret, depression, and low self esteem. Working through and resolving the issues are on an individual process. It is important to focus on this. By acknowledging the grief of the loss for the birth parent with those working in the adoption field and those personally affected by adoption can acknowledge, validate, and value this experience and its losses. I am sure it is a very painful process but is very hopeful, helping to break down the barriers of judgment, secrecy, and shame of birth parents.

Each search is guided by a unique set of circumstances. The outcome is uncertain and even when the person you are seeking is located. The reunion experience does not always turn out as expected. However, many triad members have had successful searches and built successful relationships with their extended family.

Muller, U., & Perry, B. (2001b). Adopted persons' search for and contact with their birth parents II: Adoptee-birth parent contact. Adoption Quarterly 4(3), 39-62.