I am addressing this blog to the birth parents who are reading. As an adoptee, in my writings, I feel as if sometimes I over look you The birth parents is a contributor to the adoption with great sacrifice. A sacrifice that I can not walk for you but am going to make an attempt to write about adoption from your point of view. Let’s see how I do.

Relinquishing a child to adoption is not an easy thing to do. It doesn’t matter if it is at the time of placement or years later. The first question I have is how do you get through the experience? My second question is how does It affect you later in life?

Now that I am putting my thoughts in black and white, I know that I can’t acknowledge all of the experiences or every scenario. That is just too broad but I am going to focus on what I think is the most common experiences in the closed adoption era.

In yesterdays blog, I wrote about grief and grief in adoption. I know that many birth parents are sad about not being able to raise their child. Sure, the adjustment to the loss was made but the pain and grief lasted a long long time. You may feel as if you life has never been the same after relinquishing your child to adoption and you feel as if your whole life has been affected. You more than likely have many questions. My guess if that you don’t know the name of your child or what your child does as an occupation. You don’t know if your child was happy in his adoptive parents home or for that matter if he or she was ever told that he or she is adopted.

There is no standard grieving process or a book titled “grieving in adoption for dumbies”. Grieving in adoption is different. When a person passes away, there is a wake, a funeral, or a religious service. The thing with birth parents grieving is that it isn’t always acceptable to talk about what happened. You don’t feel comfortable with it and society doesn’t openly acknowledge it.

I have seen birth mothers that have married the first person that comes along after they relinquished a child to adoption or they have nothing to do with the opposite sex for a long period of time. I have seen birth mothers who got pregnant immediately following the reqlinquishment of their child to adoption. Some birth mothers get divorced and get married over and over. Some marry an abusive partner or a rich partner. I am not sure if the abusive relationship is viewed as punishing themselves or if the rich man is for financial security. Then there are the majority of birth mothers who marry a decent, loving, supportive person. The key is to not get caught up in any unresolved grief.

I have seen some birth parents get married to each other after the child is relinquished to adoption and have other children. Quite a few years ago, I played a part in reuniting a birth mother and birth father who married after giving their son up for adoption. They later had 6 daughters. When I talked to the son and told him that his birth parents were searching he was in awe. When I told him he had 6 sisters he was speechless. I don’t think I will ever forget the silence on the other end of the phone.

I think there are many birth mothers that have happy marriages. The key is probably the partner is supportive about the birth parent experience and for way to help them grieve. I think that a large part of getting it right is learning to forgive yourselves.

I think that birth parents feel powerless. Those birth parents from the closed adoption era, may still feel the social stigma even though the shame that once existed is fading away in today’s world.
Some positive ways of dealing with you experience are to go to counseling, talk with supportive family members and friends, attend support group meetings, write your feelings down in a story or poem, write letters, even if they are not sent, to your child, or hold a private ceremony each year on your child’s birthday. Another option is to write a letter to the file of the child to explain the situation for relinquishment to adoption and tell the child that you love and wish the best for him or her.

There is no doubt that having relinquished a child for adoption will always be a part of your life. As a way of dealing with your feelings and emotions you may choose to locate your child. If you were involved in a closed adoption and you do not know the identity of the adoptive family, the only way to find your child is to contact the agency or attorney who arranged the adoption. Many birth parents do this, even though the child is not yet 18.

Searching while your child is a minor is a touchy subject. The reactions of those birth parents who have searched for a minor child that have contacted the adoptive parents vary with different reactions. Some are negative and some are positive. It is important to be prepared for both.
If you already have an open adoption, sometimes the initial agreement can be changed to increase your visits or receive more photos. This may or may not be possible, but it certainly can not hurt to try. The agency involved in the adoption should be able to help you reach a new agreement.