Some advocates of search and reunion tend to the minimize the possibility of rejection by the found party. Initially, when I entered the search and reunion world, the mantra was that rejection is rare.

I understand that to support those searching, some may want to downplay the possibility of rejection. Acceptance is more common. However, I have encountered more rejections than I expected given how rare I was told that rejections actually occur.

While I do not want to scare anyone with the possibility of rejection; I do believe that it is best to be forwarned that it might happen. Doesn't mean that it won't still hurt if it does happen to you though.

One of my closest birth mom friends found her son nearly 7 years ago. He told her that he did not wish contact. He said that he thought that it might hurt his adoptive mom too much to know that they were in contact with each other. In the 7 years since that initial contact, my friend has continued to send brief cards several times a year. Her son has never acknowledged her cards, nor has he asked her to stop contact either. So, she keeps in touch with him periodically and hopes that he will change his mind.

When my friend first contacted her son, he was married and the father of one daughter. Two more children have since joined their family. The son that my friend relinquished to adoption is the only child my friend had.

In addition to not being able to know her son; there are now three grandchildren that she may never know. However, there is not much that my friend can do except hope that her son changes his mind someday. In the meantime, at least knows she that her son is safe and well. Some birth moms do not know that.

Adoptees probably refuse contact for any number of reasons. Some say that they have no need or interest in contact with birth family. Others may have a great deal of anger or bitterness, and for that reason do not want contact. I suspect some adoptees have grown up with such negative impressions of their birth parents that might affect their decision to reject contact. Another possibility is that fear of the unknown - opening "Pandora's box".

No matter how you slice it though rejection is painful and difficult. Even so, having some answers and information is still better than not knowing. People do have changes of heart often too. I know many cases where after a period of time, the found party changes their mind.