This editorial states that:
Adoptive adults deserve sympathy and support in reconciling with their fate. What they don’t need is a proposed state law granting them access to records that make it easier for them to identify and contact their birth parents.
Adoptees do not need sympathy or support if their “fate” is adoption. They need their adoption records and should have a right to them. How insulting is it to adoptees to insinuate that they need people to feel sympathetic towards them, but imply they should just accept the fact that they do not know their own roots?
And then, of course, there is the obligatory argument about birth mothers needing their privacy. Just once I would love to see an open records discussion that does not resort to that lame and false argument. In some states, legislators have considered birth mother privacy and reached the sound conclusion that they are not entitled to keep their identities hidden from their own children. Yet, that same tired excuse keeps popping up.
When is the last time you heard a birth mother say that she wants and deserves to remain a secret from her own child? Has anyone ever produced relinquishment papers that guarantee “privacy” for a birth mother? Sealed adoption records are forced on most birth parents and are not a choice to allow them to remain hidden from their children.
What message does it say about adoptees to keep records sealed because we believe that they cannot be trusted with their own birth certificates? Why is there such a deep-seated fear that armed with their birth certificates adoptees intend to track down their birth mothers and wreak havoc on their lives? How often does that really happen?
Access to adoption records is about rights, not reunions. Not all adoptees want to reunite. Many of the strongest adoptee advocates are already reunited. They want their records, and even after reunion are not “allowed” to obtain those records. Who does that protect?
Adoptees and birth parents reconnect with or without open records. The need to reonnect is so strong that many birth parents and adoptees find each other in many different ways. Keeping records sealed does not guarantee no reunions, it just makes it harder for those who want to reunite.
Further Reading:
What are Open Records Really All About?
The Camels Straw and the Back of the Bus, Part 1
The Camels Straw and the Back of the Bus, Part 2
Photo by Jan Baker 2007
I believe that the entire “secret” aspect to adoption is scarring to not only the bmom but the adopted child. Even you have a child, even if you cant raise that child, unless the biological family poses some sort of threat, I don’t understand why everything has to be so secret. This is the entire problem in the first place. I found my biological sister who was adopted without opening the birth records!!! We have rights, period!!
I understand the secretiveness from long ago–the “shame” a young woman had from having premarital sex, etc. Don’t forget that even rape was considered the woman’s fault! And OMG if she had gotten pregnant from that rape! That kind of shame is no longer the case most times, unless there are some deep seated religeous influences.
No one seems to care about the rights of a birth mother who does NOT want contact. Why? I got pregnant as a result of a tubal ligation failing. This was NOT my fault. I did NOT want another child. If I did, I wouldn’t have gotten fixed, right? Yet, everyone is wanting me to feel bad about my choice to place, and saying it’s perfectly ok for people to make rude comments and judgements about me! I want to be able to live my life and be left alone and not having fingers pointing at me at every turn.
Westcoastbmom,
First of all, let me applaud your decision to carry your child to term and place it for adoption, versus the alternative many would have chosen. You did the right thing for yourself and your child, not to mention a couple who wanted a child to love.
I hope you have a great attorney who will handle the situation with your surgeon. This is NOT your fault, but your DOCTOR’S FAULT. I’m not one who believes in suing, but in your case, he screwed up big time.
Now, as for your right to not want contact, that’s a little tricky. Every child deserves the right to know their genetic/medical history, as well as their genealical background. Children don’t ask to be born. They aren’t given time to decide what they want. Adults make decisions for them that they may or may not agree with as they grow. Put yourself in that position. Would you want those decisions made for you with no say so? That’s something to consider.
You indicate you didn’t want “another” child. That indicates you have one or more other children. I’ve been doing adoption searches/reunions for adoptees/bparents/siblings for close to 30 years.
I know for a fact that siblings both older and younger, feel that there is someone missing from their lives. They may have to wait until their parents are dead to search for the sibling if they are the child the birth parent kept. Or if they are the adoptee, wait until the adoptive parents are dead, but search they will until they find each other or die.
There are many reunion stories that bear this out. If birth mothers don’t want a relationship with the child they gave up, that’s their perogative. Don’t be surprised, though, if the children you kept and the child you gave up forge a bond when they find each other. It will either include or exclude you. That choice is yours, Westcoastbmom. If it were me, I’d rather accept the child I gave up with love and open arms and be included. That’s a choice only you can make.
In case you’re wondering, I’m a volunteer search angel. I’m not any part of the adoption triad. These things I share with you come from observation over the course of my years of experience as a search angel.
God Bless You & Your Family,
Lucy
I care about the rights of a birth mother. My sister gave a baby up for adoption in 1968 and was told that she should put the experience out of her mind because she would never be able to see or know the child she gave up. She did just that. She was devastated when 20 yrs later the child found her.
I’m sorry, but when it comes to a child who has been ripped from their parents arms and thrown into a potentially dangerous and certainly unknown situation, I just have to say “tough sh**,” birth parents. You cannot ignore a human being.